First things first, I’d just like to thank the goils (teehee!) that run the site for letting me be Mr. March, which makes me feel damn sexy. It’s probably the only time anything like this will ever happen to me, not that I’m ugly or anything. I have the body of a greek deity (Athena).
Anyhoo, I had no idea what I was going to write for this thing. It’s kind of hard trying to think up stuff for an actual audience, as opposed to the 7 people who may occasionally look at the site I write for. So I was thinking, ‘maybe I should write about women in metal?’ And I thought naaaaah. No point. It’s been done before, and I’d come across as sexist and stupid, even though I’m more of a feminist than any stupid whore anyway. Then I thought, ‘what about things that annoy me in metal?’ I was nearly going to go for that, but then I realised 1000 words about how stupid Brian Fair looks would just be cruel. Seriously, he looks like a teenage chthulhu who’s pissed off because his parents have confiscated his xbox or something. Seriously that man’s near 40, correct? Imagine him getting dragged along by a bus, because he didn’t get his stupid hair out the way in time. Imagine him roaring in pain in that shitty ineffectual way he’s so good at in his rubbish band. I’m imagining it now, and now my pyjamas are covered in semen.
But we’re getting off topic. I was also nearly going to write you festering dunderheads some dating advice, but i’ve done it on my own site, and Sergeant D did it last month anyway in his Mr. February column. The bollock.
I was stuck. What am I going to write for you metalhead goons?
And then it hit me… I can write about you metalhead goons!
Chaps. Chapettes. Don’t get me wrong. You’re the reason I’m ashamed about owning some Cannibal Corpse albums. You’re a stinking, horrible ignorant bunch sometimes. I’ve seen it in the flesh and on the internet. Like Twitter. I follow people on Twitter who think Iron Maiden are the be all and end all of music. I have spoken to people who DON’T think Saxon are an embarassing fat mess. I’ve spoken to people wearing studded wristbands who called me a whiney fag for liking the Deftones. All of you, every single last one of you, are utterly abhorrent examples of human kind.
But I love you. All of you. Loathe as I am to admit it, I’m one of you. Metal has a stunningly varied cross section of goons, ranging from smartly dressed people with sensible haircuts to fully fledged beardy weirdos. This will be a celebration of all things you!
So! What better place than youtube to look at you and lau… I mean revel in your glory.
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