BEHOLD, THE WORST BAND EVER

Hi-ho, RiB here.  It’s around 2 am on a Saturday night, and we’re having a super sexy sleepover.  We just finished our pillow fight…guess who won??  Now we’re sitting around in our undies, and eating s’mores…SHIRTLESS.  YEAH….

Anywho, while snoopin’ the interwebs tonight, we happened to stumble upon an ad on SkullsnBones for a band seeking a new bassist and drummer.  ”We are the tribute to European femme metal.” Whoa whoa whoa!  We just had to check this shit out….

Their name is Luminis, they’re from Rahway, NJ….and they really like chick metal.  Seriously.  Julia is not even into chick metal this much.  They pay tribute to the likes of Epica, Nightwish, Leaves’ Eyes, Evanescence, and Cradle of Filth.  Oh jeez.  “LUMINIS is comprised of heavy gothic based music, melodic vocals, death grunts, and energizing stage presence.” Ladies and gentlemen, the two most beautiful words in the English language…?  Not ‘cellar door!’  DEATH GRUNTS.

It’s even worse than you’d think.  After listening to a few samples on their MySpace, and peeping a few Youtube videos, laughter has consumed us.  First off, the singer is not even hot.  Everyone knows that when starting a chick band (even if your band sucks), you have to at least hire a hot frontwoman.  She looks like Mia Tyler in Hot Topic striped arms warmers.  (Nice graveyard photo shoot, btw.)  Second, her voice is pretty reminiscent of those rejects on the American Idol audition episodes.  (Simon could not be reached for comment.)  Doesn’t it sound like she has something in her mouth??  There is now temptation to make a dirty joke, but we have enough confidence in all of you to write your own.

Ok, so the singer sucks, but the rest of the band is good…right?  NO.  The keyboards sound awful, the guitarist doesn’t play anything correctly, and the drummer could take a few tips from Animal.  NO WAY, THEY’RE UNSIGNED????  HOW CAN THIS BE!!!!!!

Although, kudos on having a legit logo.  We don’t even have one of those.  (All inquiries can be sent to reigninblonde@gmail.com.)  And check out their MySpace album of ‘fan’ Photoshop art.  A little wishful thinking…perhaps?

Dear Luminis, good luck finding your new members.  We can’t imagine it will be too difficult.  You guys totally rock.  Hopefully you can make it across those Fjords of New Jersey one day and play in New York.  We’ll be the people who are not your Mom or brother.

Cheers,

J&E