THE BR00TAL TR00TH - GARY
Get ya hot nuts, here! It’s time for yet another installment of THE BR00TAL TR00TH, and boy did we get it this time. Today, we have zeroed in on MetalSucks’ spring chicken Gary Suarez, to hash over true party music, his “favorite” albums of this century, as well as his impeccable sense of fashion. Check out his posts on MetalSucks. Follow him on Twitter. Go read some other shit he’s done. This too. Go to his DJ gig for Precious Metal this Monday at Lit Lounge. Bake him a pie. Oh hell, just go stalk him. We sure are.
We heard you recently shaved off your beard. Couldn’t take the heat? Do you miss it?
Beard maintenance is a saggy-titted bitch. I barely have the time to wake up every day, tweet about my breakfast, skim a couple hundred blogs, tweet about my lunch, practice the ancient art of pantomime, watch Judd Apatow movies, tweet about my dinner, and kill a hobo. You tell me when I’m supposed to pencil in a trim? I do miss it, though, because now I actually have to look at my face in the bathroom mirror when I’m brushing my teeth at Starbucks.
Tell us about your college radio experience. Would you consider it a dying art?
Back when I went to college forty-or-so years ago, I was way too busy getting my swerve on with all the fine ladies on campus to take part in any school activity that required a commitment. So I chose radio, which basically took two hours of my time on a weeknight. The show was mainly industrial music, because that was my thing at the time, but I played whatever I felt like. Nobody was listening anyway. Seriously, when was the last time anyone listened to the radio?
Describe to us how warm and snuggly Andrew W.K. makes you feel.
He doesn’t make me feel warm and/or snuggly. He makes me feel party. And I don’t care if that’s grammatically correct or not. The fact is that ‘I Get Wet’ is one of the greatest albums ever made, and anyone who disagrees with this fact has gonorrhea.
Who is your most obscure musical deity?
David Ruffin. He’s not obscure to R&B fans, because he was the lead singer for The Fucking Temptations, but most metalheads probably don’t have a clue who he was because most metalheads are sad little virgins and fail to realize that R&B is all about the sex they could be having if they stopped listen to songs about white dudes being angry at the world. Actually, I’m going to start a singing group called The Fucking Temptations. Patent pending.
Who is the most overrated person in metal?
Taylor Swift.
Which of your Ed Hardy t-shirts is your favorite?
It’s ridiculous that people think they’re better than Ed Hardy shirts. Especially metalheads, who have about as much fashion sense as a ham sandwich. There was a post on the Stuff White People Like blog about how honkies love to rag on Ed Hardy, and it summed up all my feelings about this. Christian Audiger deserves credit for being a successful entrepreneur, though his recent brand extensions into things like energy drinks are pretty fucking ridiculous. He should stick with clothing. For the record, I own one Ed Hardy shirt. It doesn’t have rhinestones or anything gaudy like that, but it has a classic eagle tattoo which is pretty cool. There’s a sister line called Smet, which I like a whole lot more. You may have seen Smet stuff on Rock Of Love, because Audiger clearly donates clothes to the producers behind these VH1 shows. Oh, and Affliction sucks. So does MMA. Boxing, however, is awesome.
Are you jizzing your pants over the new Behemoth album like everyone else?
No, because that’s absolutely not my thing. I listen to loads of music, and when it comes to the heavy stuff I lean more towards noise rock, sludge/stoner metal, and post-hardcore. I often feel like the odd man out at MetalSucks when I read the comments section, but Axl and Vince are really enthusiastic and supportive, which is great considering I’ve been peeing in their orange juice for months now. Those dudes seriously must love my pee because they drink a lot of O.J.
How big is your dude crush on Jamey Jasta?
I’m not a big Hatebreed fan, but I absolutely fucking loved Kingdom Of Sorrow. Kirk Windstein is fucking amazing, and it’s disgraceful that Crowbar isn’t bigger than Metallica. People shit all over that Kingdom Of Sorrow record because I guess they think dissing Jasta makes them cool or something. But you can’t tell me that the two of them don’t sound fucking perfect together on that album. If you don’t own it, I’m hereby ordering you to go buy it right now. I’ll wait… Did you buy it yet? No? OK… You really should go buy it though…
What is your favorite alcoholic drink? And non-alcoholic drink?
I am partial to Jack and Cokes. A bottle of Jack Daniels is always a safe gift to get me. I don’t know what you mean by “non-alcoholic”. Please clarify, as I am extremely drunk.
So, you were pretty pissed that none of your albums made MetalSucks’ big 21 Best Albums of the 21st Century So Far list. What were your top 3?
Chris Cornell’s ‘Scream’, Staind’s ‘The Illusion Of Progress’, and Bret Michaels’ ‘Rock My World’. How is it even possible that these didn’t make the cut? It’s like people forgot what metal is all about. DUH. I nearly quit the site when I saw some band called Mastodon was voted #1. Who the fuck is Mastodon?
What single album on the list pissed you off the most?
That’s a difficult one to answer, because honestly I’ve listened to maybe five out of the twenty-one on the list. I suppose I’d choose In Flames’ ‘Clayman’ because that is the worst cover art I’ve ever fucking seen.
If you could watch a sex tape of any political pundit (or two) of your choice, who would it be, and why?
I’d like to see one where Rachel Maddow fucks Glenn Beck. In the ass. It would be a snuff video.
Besides black metal, what other metal sub genres do you hate?
All of them. I write for a website called MetalSucks, yet sometimes I think I’m the only person who truly adheres to the spirit of the name. Essentially, if a band considers itself “metal”, I pretty much hate it instantly. Please send me your demos.
Are you auditioning for the second season of Daisy of Love?
No, but I’ve given serious thought to signing up for the second season of Megan Wants A Murderer.
Who else in the metal community do you think we should grill?
Zena Tsarfin. You two should aspire to grow up to be her. She’s written for loads of metal publications and will probably have a lot more to say than me. Are we done here? I gotta go meet a guy about a thing.
[Elise and Julia are the little ladies that started the big war. They also like the way Gary ends his posts and decided to follow suit. If you are a metal musician, blogger, photographer, DJ/VJ, roadie, merch dude, etc. (GUY OR GAL!), and would like to get probed by two cool chicks, please send them an email at: reigninblonde@gmail.com. Are you following them on Twitter, yet?]
