TOP 5 CELEBRITIES THAT SHOULD BE METALHEADS

Ever meet someone new and think to yourself “God, this person is so awesome/chill/hot, but… if only they were into metal. Then they’d be perfect!”? I know that this happens to me quite a bit, especially when I meet you dudes. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve met great guys- tall, bearded, mysterious… and then they say “I’m really into trance!” and the fire dies faster than Herman Li can shred.

It’s not that I only like people that love metal as much as I do, but more so that some people would be so much BETTER if they did. Amongst the day to day regular people that fall into this category, the rich and famous are no exception, and so I present to you my Top 5 celebs that would be so much better if they just gave Slayer a chance:

5. Former Miss California USA Carrie Prejean- Most people hate her because of what she said at the Miss USA pageant earlier this year. I say, she’s already got the balls to say whatever the eff she wants without worrying about offending people and that’s pretty metal. Like many metal bands, she’s from California, and like Elise and I, she’s blonde. I bet you that if she had a little more Judas Priest in her life, she might get over not liking the gays while becoming more brutal at the same time.

4. Late infomercial master Billy Mays- …what, too soon? This one is plain and simple. The dude already knows knew how to yell, and uh… He’s Billy Mays, the infomercial guy. He did cocAAAine…

3. Supermodel/TV host Heidi Klum- Another blonde, so she could roll with RiB. Plus, she’s German so she could get along with all the European metal bands and be BFFs with Rammstein and Angela Gossow. AND to give her some street cred so to speak, she quasi-recently got some ink (seen above) which is brutal two-fold because A) It’s on her forearm for everyone to see and B) She’s a supermodel with a tattoo, which goes against what commercial modeling stands for. What a rebel. Get it, Heidi. And come on now, how long until she challenges her Project Runway contestants to make an outfit using only “special leathaaaaah”

2. Game show host and Rhodes Scholar Alex Trebek- Jeopardy! is one of my FAVE shows, and if you’ve been watching as well, you’ll know that Alex Trebek isn’t just a smartypants, but lately he’s been pretty sharp with the tongue as well. He makes fun of contestants just about as much as MetalSucks makes fun of… well, everyone. Does hurting people’s feelings make someone metal? Well, no, but a wise woman (and coincidentally my blog partner) once told me “You just need to realize that you’re better than everyone else. It’ll change your life.” Well, Alex knows he better than everyone else, thus not caring what other people think, thus making him more apt to be metal.

1. Talk show host/Author/Comedienne Chelsea Handler- Homegirl is on the path to metal destruction, but the only thing she’s missing is, uh… the metal. Why she isn’t a headbanger is beyond me. Like our buddy Alex, she’s not afraid to make fun of anyone, friend or foe. She can drink you under the table. She’ll love you and leave you. She’s a half-Jew from New Jersey, and she has her own Mexican little person sidekick. Metalheads LOVE cynicism, booze, sex, dirt (yes, I’m talking to you NJ) and midgets

And midgets love metal.

-Julia