PANTY RAID! MR DECEMBER IS… GARY SUAREZ OF METALSUCKS.NET!

Ahhh, Christmas: that magical time of year when we celebrate the birth of Jesus by arguing over whether or not Wal-Mart greeters should be allowed to say Happy Holidays. Now if, like me, you’ve got metalheads in your family—filthy, vile creatures—and you want to make sure you do right by them this Yule-tide season. So here am I—America’s greatest living music journalist—with a Holiday Gift Guide for the headbangers you’ve got to buy something for since they’re obligated to get you something.

DAD, AGING METALHEAD

We’re all coming to terms with the fact that this will be our first Christmas without rock legend Ronnie James Dio, who tragically lost his battle with stomach cancer this past May. I for one can’t think of a more appropriate way to mourn the loss of this icon than to purchase gimmicky crap from his webstore?


How about a Dio-branded baseball, perfect for displaying on that shelf in the computer room next to the trophies of his long gone youth?


Or maybe a Dio-branded windbreaker (“100% Nylon Jacket, 100% Polyester lining”) from his 2004 Master Of The Moon tour? Anything to get him out of that Members Only jacket, am I right?


And you can’t go wrong with the OFFICIAL MUSICAL CHRISTMAS CARD, which plays Dio’s essential version of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” and (probably) wont go in trash on December 26. Sure, you’re opening yourself up to another retelling of the time he peed next to Vinny Appice at a rest stop after a Black Sabbath show in 1982, but he’s gonna get you something good this year. So shut up and pretend you haven’t heard the story 666 times—you’re getting a fucking iPad!


MOM, CLOSET METALHEAD

You’re old enough now, so it’s time you learned the truth: your parents met at a Kiss concert in 1975. And now you know where babies come from: Kiss concerts.


Fortunately, Gene Simmons has whored out his band so much over the years that there’s a plethora of kitschy branded shit to stuff in your Mom’s stocking, like this “Merry KISSMAS Holiday Throw Blanket”.


Remember when your had that wild party and broke all of Mom’s nice china? Start making up for it with this classy collection of KISS glassware!


And Family Game Night will never be the same if you buy her the Kiss DVD Board Game. You do want to make Mommy happy, right? Of course you do.


BROTHER (YOUNGER), HARDCORE BRUISER

Yeah, Little Timmy is still pissed that you didn’t get him those Emmure boxing gloves he wanted so badly last Christmas—but this is your year to make it up to him. As you can tell from his last.fm feed, he’s been blasting those MP3s he ripped from your Agnostic Front and Madball CDs a lot, so reward that behavior with a selection of gear from NYHC outfitter Pitchfork Hardwear.


He’s got plenty of flat brim baseball hats, but does he have one that says PITCHFORK NEW YORK in all-Caps? I think not.


Snag him a tee that co-opts the Cro-Mags’ Age Of Quarrel artwork and he’ll be the envy of all the other acne-riddled kids at the rec center two towns over where they hold the all-ages hardcore shows. (Hatebreed frontman Jamey Jasta also sells a variant on that theme through his webstore.) You can overlook the fact that the only time the kid has ever been to NYC was when he was 8 and Mom took him to see The Lion King on Broadway and he spilled soda all over his pants and cried and cried until the usher brought him paper towels. Remember: hardcore is a gateway drug to better music, and hey, at least he’s not listening to Disturbed anymore.


BROTHER (OLDER), THE DUDE WHO GOT YOU INTO METAL IN THE FIRST PLACE

You owe a lot to John. Without him, you’d never have discovered Corrosion Of Conformity or Emperor or marijuana. Hell, you’d probably be listening to Mutiny Within, Powerworld or something equally as awful. John showed you a world beyond your Dad’s Iron Maiden vinyl—he introduced you to the fucking underground. Those mixtapes and (later) CD-Rs he made for you were packed with such amazing shit like Crowbar, Danzig, Earth, and Melvins.


What better way to thank him than with a G.G. Allin throbblehead, coated with blood n’ filth and sure to freak out his coworkers at the bank.


Or shell out some dollars and indulge his secret vinyl fetish with Slayer’s 10-album set of all of their albums, pressed to 180g wax. His fiancee is sort of a bitch, and she frowns on his love of metal, so consider this gift as a bonus Fuck You to her as well.


UNCLE WALTER, CREEPY PROG ROCK GEEK



He still lives at home with your fucking grandparents, smells like Vicks and menthol cigarettes, and is constantly trying to lure you into the basement to turn you onto Kansas (or some such bullshit) and touch your penis with his mouth. But like it or not, this endlessly sweaty guy is gonna be there on Christmas morning since he’s got nowhere else to go. You might as well get him something that will distract him long enough to escape his somewhat aggressive pedophilic come-ons, though that’s probably an exercise in futility. Try and entice him away from his Hawkwind vinyl collection (and your genitals) by appealing to his super-sad OCD-ish collector tendencies with something from those merchandising whores known as Mastodon, the only band that you can both agree “totally rock.


Stuff his stained stocking with a Crack The Skye 124-piece puzzle,


convenient bottle “koozie”,


or Divinations lithograph.


You can’t go wrong with a CTS black denim jacket (“97% cotton/ 3% spandex”) conveniently available in XXL to contain his oh-so-sizable paunch. There’s also a Mastodon backpack to hold it all, but if you get him that much shit for Christmas he’s going to get the wrong idea. You’re basically just asking to be molested. Stick with the koozie.


SISTER (OLDER/YOUNGER), UMMMMM…

Girls don’t like metal. Get her some socks.


HAPPY HOLIDAYS, YOU SLAGS!

-GS

[America’s greatest living music journalist, Gary Suarez pens the Scraping Genius Off The Wheel column for MetalSucks. In his spare time, he operates the most popular Twitter account in all of metal and trains llamas to swallow.]