REIGN IN BLONDE PRESENTS: THE HOTTEST CHICK IN METAL BRACKET

Let’s face it, folks.  Revolver’s “Hottest Chicks in Metal” issue is pretty much the dumbest thing to hit newsstands every year.  We here at Reign in Blonde are frustrated with this crap because 1.) Most of the women involved make pretty bad  music, and 2.) These chicks are not even that hot!  Cristina Scabbia?  Maria Brink??  LZZY HALE??!!!!  Seriously, who’s picking these girls out?  ….Stevie Wonder?

It’s time to fix this mess.  The two of us have taken the liberty of composing a list of rockin’ women who we feel are far more deserving of the HOTTEST CHICK IN METAL title.  Each have been placed in a competitive elimination-style bracket and were put at the mercy of our panel of metal experts.  By the end of this week, a winner will be crowned, and gain immortal recognition on our site as the one, the only….HOTTEST CHICK IN METAL. ….Are you excited????  We sure are.

Here’s the lineup:

For our first two matchups, we sought the help of one man who’s no stranger to controversial topics: MetalSucks’ Gary Suarez, as well as a young lady who spends most of her time snappin’ pics of these hot broads: photographer Justina Villanueva.  Let’s see what they had to say…

SWEET SIXTEEN, ROUND 1: ATSUO MIZUNO (BORIS) VS. ADAM CARROLL (WARBRINGER)

The sensuous Atsuo Mizuno is the H.B.I.C. for Boris, a Japanese girl group in the tradition of rockers The Runaways. I always seem to develop crushes on chick drummers (*Moe Tucker* swoooooon!), and given with my penchant for Playboy’s “Asian Exotica”, it was almost too easy to select Atsuo over the admittedly quite adorable Miss Carroll. Which doesn’t mean that I’d turn down those pouty lips and Garnier Fructis scented locks.  God, I’d wreck that bitch. WINNER: ATSUO MIZUNO.

—Gary Suarez, MetalSucks.net

SWEET SIXTEEN, ROUND 2: DALLAS COYLE (EX. GOD FORBID) VS. CHRIS CLANCY (MUTINY WITHIN)

I have a bias and I’m going to say it right off the bat: in any situation I will always bat for the Jersey girl. But, Reign in Blonde might have already known that when they asked me to pick one out of two Jersey girls. Damn them! 

Anyways, the next thing I have to judge are their tits. Everyone loves a nice rack. Straight men and women. Gay men and women. Dogs. Cats. We all love boobies. But, these broads ain’t got no cleavage. So that means I have to actually judge their hair. Dallas has shiny, wavy locks that perfectly match her sex gaze. Meanwhile Ms. Clancy has innocent dark straight hair with a layer that cuffs her delicate chin. But, I’m going to give this one up to the God Forbid Jersey girl because she is just way more exotic looking overall. She also writes an advice column for metalsucksballs. And, her brother doesn’t like cups being thrown at him. I don’t like liquid filled cups either. They are not tits. WINNER: DALLAS COYLE.

—Justina Villanueva, JustinaVillanueva.com

Stay tuned for Rounds 3 & 4 of our Sweet Sixteen later this afternoon!