THE HOTTEST CHICK IN METAL BRACKET: SWEET SIXTEEN, ROUNDS 3 & 4

We at Reign in Blonde are humbled to have King Axl and Sir Vince-a-lot of the MetalSucks mansion as members of our judges panel.  If there’s anyone in this biz who knows hot bitches….it’s them.

SWEET SIXTEEN, ROUND 3: ANDREW WETZEL (ATTACK ATTACK!) VS. SPENCER CHAMBERLAIN (UNDEROATH)

I’d like to begin with a giant “fuck you” to Elise and Julia. Do they ever ask me to do one of those interviews for their stupid website? No, they ask Gary Suarez, who likes Oceano and Kingdom of Sorrow and fucking works for me. What do they ask me to do instead? Play the worst game of “Rooftop” ever. Seriously? I thought we were fucking friends. You bitches.

But fuck it, I’m a professional, so let’s get down to business. We all know that Rosie O’Donnell was the hottest chick in Attack Attack!, but she has since quit and now we’re left with Andrew Wetzel, who is a very handsome woman. So I hope she doesn’t take offense when I say I wouldn’t fuck her with Liv Kristine’s dick. First of all, look at the left nipple (your right) in this picture – is it just me, or does it look like her nipples must be the size of dinner plates? She’s like that chubby chick who gets naked at the beginning of Revolutionary Road – y’know, the one whose titty is 50% nipple? Gross. Not for me.

On the other hand, Spencer… oh, Spencer. Well, first of all, this is Reign in Blonde, so you gotta show some love for the chicks who look like they could use a sandwich. Bonus: longer hair means there’s more to pull when I’m hittin’ that from behind. Plus, I have no idea what Spencer’s actual age is – a lady never tells! -  but she looks so young, so innocent, like I could really teach her things… I mean, this picture looks like she’s seeing a penis for the first time. And that really, really turns me on. So it’s Spencer FTW.

Bonus: Spencer is not in Attack Attack!, and I once made it through an entire interview with the bassist from Underoath without giving away that I a) had no fucking idea who he was or b) had no fucking idea what band he was in.  WINNER: SPENCER CHAMBERLAIN.

—Axl Rosenberg, MetalSucks.net

SWEET SIXTEEN, ROUND 4: DAVE MUSTAINE (MEGADETH) VS. DAVE NAVARRO (JANE’S ADDICTION)

Dave Mustaine’s flowing locks of firey curls are quite charming, but in my mind Dave Navarro is unquestionably the hottest chick out of the two. Those luscious bodily curves are positively mesmerizing, plus this chick even got to make out with Anthony Kiedis when she momentarily joined the Chili Peppers for “One Hot Minute.” The presence of a lady’s energy on that album and the tasty licks thereon undoubtedly lock this one up in favor of Navarro. WINNER: DAVE NAVARRO.

—Vince Neilstein, MetalSucks.net

Well, looks like Ms. Mustaine got knocked out pretty early…as usual.  Tune in tomorrow for more Bracket fun!!!