THE HOTTEST CHICK IN METAL BRACKET: SEMI-FINALS
Ok, people. This is the one where we separate the women from the girls. It’s time to narrow it down to the final two. Here to guide us through this maze is MetalSucks’ resident pottymouth: Anso DF, as well as a gal pal of the RiB camp: Miss Stabitha Christie. Ready? Here we go….
SEMI-FINALS, ROUND 1: DALLAS COYLE (EX. GOD FORBID) VS. DAVE NAVARRO (JANE’S ADDICTION)
On the wrong side of 40, Dave Navarro can’t be faulted for abiding by the Hollywood MILF Handbook. All the signs are there: queasy forays into porn, rigorous hair-scaping/-suppression schedules, stripperloads of cosmetics, and frequent toplessness. Gone is the hot heroin-waif in Jane’s Addiction, replaced by a faux-biddy beneath a coyly-tilted dandy’s hat and elegant in scarves. Sadly, Navarro is a quaint memory of leather-vested sexiness next to the goddess Dallas Coyle (ex-God Forbid), she of luminous, cascading mane and plump, quasi-Jolie kisser. Navarro has the bigger rack, but who wants to boff a museum piece when you can tell Coyle is a screamer and that those smoky eyes betray a love of post-coital cuddling. Plus, she hasn’t fucked Tommy Lee, Axl Rose, and Lars Ulrich. WINNER: DALLAS COYLE.
—Anso DF, MetalSucks.net
SEMI-FINALS, ROUND 2: SCOTT HEDRICK (SKELETONWITCH) VS. GABE GARCIA (BLACK TIDE)
They both have nice long hair, and they clearly understand the importance of a good bottle of conditioner. But Scott’s pretty blue eyes look flat. Didn’t she pay attention to Tyra?! You have to SMILE with your eyes. UNFIERCE. Gabe clearly heeded Tyra’s wise words. She is a vision of fierceness! I want to read a list of her top five vegetarian snacks, if you know what I mean. And I think you do. I’d say more, but we still have 11 months and 19 days until she’s legal (set those countdown clocks!). So in the meantime, to borrow from Zombieland, someone’s ear is in danger of having hair brushed over it… WINNER: GABE GARCIA.
—Stabitha Christie, Stabitha Christie Inc.
You heard it here. It’s now down to Dallas Coyle and Gabe Garcia. Tune in tomorrow as we conduct a multi-expert vote for the bracket’s final round. Who do you guys have your money on??
