STRAIGHT OUTTA DETWAT: ANGELA GOSSOWSKI TAKES THE HOLLYWOOD UNDEAD CHALLENGE

Ladies and gentlemen: we’ve expanded! Today marks the debut of our new contributor: Angela Gossowski, who will now be authoring some longer-form posts in her column called STRAIGHT OUTTA DETWAT.  No, she’s not blonde…but this blog was never meant to revolve primarily around our hair color.  AG simply fits in with our brand of silly, outspoken, girly metal humor…so it was a no-brainer.  We think you’ll like her just fine.  Consider her our “brunette correspondent.”

For her first trick, Miss Angela will be addressing some recent criticism I got for bashing the ever-awful rap/rock/debatably metal group, Hollywood Undead.  She goes all out on this one.  So without further ado, I shall pass the mic.  Take it away, AG… -Elise

So the other day I had made a comment on Ms. Elise’s post in response to Hollywood Undead being so terrible, it makes me both laugh and cry at the same time. That wasn’t a lie. That really happened before. Srsly. Anyway, I have received a bit of flack the past day or so regarding my blatant hatred for the band…and honestly, I understand where you kids are coming from. I constantly have to defend the music I love as well. So for those of you who are sticking up for these guys, kudos, I guess.

In the light of all of this, a young commenter by the name of “elyssacross” has told me I was completely ignorant to all of the incredibly amazing music Hollywood Undead has made, and included a suggested list of songs I should listen to. She then politely asked me to “shut the fuck up”. I must be honest, my comment made about HU lacked substance, and therefore, is very easily dubbed an illogical argument since it contained no actual evidence in which to prove my point.

So, “elyssacross”, I have decided to take you up on this task. I am going to take THE HOLLYWOOD UNDEAD CHALLENGE. I, Angela Gossowski, will sit down and listen to a total of not one, not 2, not 3…but 7 FUCKING HOLLYWOOD UNDEAD SONGS from beginning to end. I will be dropping all of my previous conceptions of the band from the time I start listening to the time all of the songs have finished. I plan on critically anaylizing each song just as I would any other band I had not previously heard. Although I had previously taken notice of some tracks by HU, I have not forced myself to listen to more than I’ve had to. Until now.

Below is the name of each song paired next to its individual review. These are my findings and opinions as they were being procressed in my head, real time, while the song was playing. It’s not meant to be a well-written blurb, so save your critisism of my writing for another time.

[Editor’s note: Some videos have been attached for our readers’ own reference.  Please proceed with caution.]

“Sell Your Soul” - I enjoy the intro. I mean, its not really MY style, but OH! Nevermind. The piano in the begining was just slaughtered by an overwhelming amount of shitty distorted guitars. WHOA. This guy went from singing to sounding like he was taking a HUGE SHIT. His voice isn’t bad I suppose. The guy singing, that is. I mean, again, its not my style, but he can carry a tune. The contrast between the clean singing vocals and the intense screaming is NOT meshing well. FARRR from seemless. This song is really confusing. Its ALL OVER THE PLACE. They need to stick to one sound and roll with it. I literally have no idea of what subject matter they are trying to convey in this particular tune. Pushing, pulling, getting away, going somplace; what exactly are you getting at? I don’t understand. There is no beginning and no end to these lyrics. There is nothing being told here. Jesus Christ, every time this guy comes in to SCREAAAM it’s honestly nothing but irritating. I don’t know how many times I am going to say “Linkin Park” during this experiment, but I know I can count this as number 2: LINKIN PARK.

“This Love This Hate” - Can anyone say “Postal Service”? Wow. The beginning is very “childish”, for lack of a better word. It sounds like the Muppets keyboard I had when I was a wee tot. Okay, okay, I had to stop and rewind to make sure I heard this lyric right. “Only few can sing like lions, ‘cause we sing until we’re gone”. I just…I don’t know exactly what to say. These lyrics continue to perplex me. What are people actuallying GETTING from this content? What on EARTH in this music comes off as “relatable” to you? This is really unbearable. Okay, the chorus blended pretty well, but that terrible keyboard really ruins anything that this song would have to offer. Which is nothing but a feeling similar to that of having a rash between your legs. Oh, and there’s some “Little Drummer Boy” esque snare-ing going on at the end. Does not fit. I mean, I get what they were trying to do, but maybe the production just isn’t being paid enough attention to. That could have been a good ending to that song. Fail, I guess.

“Bottle and A Gun” - Wait a minute, is this going to be like, a “concept rap”? With an intro like “It was once a dark lonely summer’s eve, On the lonely streets of Sunset, When the lord called upon 7 crazy m.c’s (I can’t rattle off all their names)” it sounds like it. oh and P.S.) Don’t use “lonely” to describe two things on two separate occasions in the same flow. This is really pulling from the sound and beats of D12. Big time. OH MY GOD. Are you, are you kidding me? Is this song actually happening right now? Do they really think that they are “rappers” or “MC’s”? Okay, honestly, this is the worst song I have heard thus far. By like, 1,000. I need to rewind and listen again to write down some of these lyrical gems. “And I can show you how to hump without making love, The way you look at me, I can tell that you’re a freak.” This entire song is hilarious. I mean, it seems like thats the intention here. Again, the singing just does NOT fit with this group. Its confusing. The beat is entertaining, but all of their voices just do not mesh well together. I get it; artists such as Eminem make funny songs like “The Real Slim Shady”, so this is there track that supposed to make people giggle and shake their ass. Its not working. Its not. I’m sorry. Its just like a cluster-fuck of bro’s yelling at a bar in a ghetto blue-collar neighborhood. They sound like they are getting ready to go see ICP in concert. AND ITS OVER. Thank god.

“Paradise Lost” - They really like to intro with pianos. Its not bad, per se, but its getting old. Oh, god. Who IS this really angry guy always ruining the melodic intros to their songs? He sounds like a fool. The way he is “rapping” in this song is very ameteur. I can see that he is trying to put the emphasis on the downbeat via the lyrics, but just sounds like he can’t read very well. He is very monotoned, coupled with the fact that he is just yelling the content aimlessly. I do like this chorus. Honestly, its catchy. If it wasn’t for that yelling guy, this song would actually be listenable. Its short, and I was actually beginning to enjoy the chorus repeat at the end. I’d have to say thats the most tolerable of all the songs I have heard to this point. However, the person who produces their music should be fired, because I believe that despite how bad the music ITSELF is, he or she is really not doing their job. The music can’t be made into anything GOOD, but it can, however, not sound like total garbage from beginning to end. Do you understand what I mean?

“Pain” - Decent intro. THAT FUCKING GUY. I’m not kidding you. Please fire him. He just starts screaming and it takes me off guard, and honestly, kinda freaks me out. Then it annoys me. It sounds like he is trying hard to sound like Eminem in his more angry songs, like “Kim”. I’m curious, where is the “metal” in all of this? I have heard very little to NO metal influence. For such a group of “hard-asses”, they sing a lot about crying and being in pain from crying so much. I think this is a new genre. I think this is emo-rap. Because you have the one guy who sounds like he should be in like, Thursday or something, then you also have the guy who is always having a really angry sad, then you finally have some pianos and beats mixed in. Seriously, this is not metal. This is  not hard rock. This….this is emo. Hate to brake it to ya. Please don’t cut yourself over this revelation. Despite your terrible taste in music, we’d like to see you alive.

“Knife Called Lust” - Each song sounds the same. They same classical-type intro, the same guy chiming in at the same time and freaking me out/pissing me off. Okay, so kids with coming from from a hard home life might be able to connect with this. Sorry for you kids and your shitty home environment, but reminding yourself of your unfortunate situation with lyrics like “Mad at your dad at the fact that he’s an addict” isn’t really the way to deal with your situation. OH. Thats lovely. And within all of the “deep” issues they have been attempting discuss, this little diddy comes in and just burns it all to the ground: “And your friend will stab you just to fuck some girl, Put your hands in the air scream FUCK THE WORLD”. Nice. Really nice. Theres the annoying guy that has a repeated “scream” through out the track that sounds exactly like the scream from, hey, you guessed it, Micheal Jackson’s hit entitled, “Scream”. I’m bored with this song.

“Young” - Ragtime pianos, as an intro. Surprise surprise. OH WOW! No crazy guy coming in right away to startle me. I have the pleasure of watching the video to this song as well. This is a catchy tune. Honestly it is. Its the most consistent of all the songs I listened too. It flows well. Again though, I can say the lyrical content is shitty. I don’t think they are going to get over that hurdle. I know that you kids out there are going to say that lyrics are to be interpreted per person, and I agree. However, I don’t see how you can interpret something when NOTHING of substance is given. There are a few lines that are um, coherent SENTENCES, but how they fit into the rest of the song is really beyond me. The video itself really isn’t that bad, but the drummer looks like an idiot. Seriously. He looks like a fool. I mean, they all do with those masks on, but I have yet to see him actually HIT the drums in any one of his shots. This is one of the few songs I have heard actual instraments on though, so good job guys.

Wow. Okay. So…that was….an experience, to say the least. I stood true to what I said: I listened to each song, and wrote exactly what came to me as I listened. I am truly proud of myself. Although I feel as if an hour of my life was just stolen from me by Belail himself, I think that this should really help clear some things up regarding the musical quality you Hollywood Undead fans have been so adament in supporting. The fact is, they are a shitty band. They are NOT GOOD. I’m sorry, but I can say with 100% confidence that this “band”, is FACTUALLY TERRIBLE. This is the Merriam-Webster definition of the word “Good”: adjective; 1a (1) : of a favorable character or tendency, 1e (2) holds good for soceity at large.  Hollywood Undead is not GOOD. They are nowhere near good. They make talentless sound with a machine and a bunch of dudes who are good at screaming like drunks. I’m quite puzzled as to why there are more then 3 people in this band to begin with. I heard little to NO instramentation, so why there is a drummer and guitarist is really beyond me. The reason they wear masks is still a mystery. There is no political content in their lyrics, so the idea that the masks represent some kind of socio-political stand-point is thrown out the window. I don’t see them associating themselves with any type of art, per se, so that won’t work either. There is really no good explanation as to why they are wearing those silly masks. It’s not helping their stage presence, I can tell you that. They certainly aren’t being taken seriously, and they are definitely not scaring anyone. Hey guys: you’re never going to be Slipknot. Drop it. Just let it go. Hollywood Undead has taken the worst parts of the worst music made in the past 15 years (Linkin Park, ICP, Limp Bizkit, all those shitty emo bands) and rolled it up into one giant tumor. Its like if cancer, AIDS, lupus and Paris Hilton started a band. My conclusion on this matter is short and sweet: stop listening to this. Its not going to take your taste in music anywhere but down. This is not, nor will it ever be “metal”. Let me give you a few suggestions…

You want to listen to good music? You want some respect for the things you listen to? Try educating yourself. You like metal? Listen to a band with talent, with technical skill. Listen to a band like Mastodon. If you like that industrial type feel, check out a band called The Amenta. New to the game, and very good. Listen to the ROOTS of what you THINK you’re listening to right now with Hollywood Undead. I’m sure not one person in their band has listened to anything this complex or influential, otherwise they might have enough respect for the art of music to not join such a hideous sounding group. Listen to bands like Blue Cheer, Led Zeppelin,  and this guy who was like, REALLY good at guitar; his name was Jimi Hendrix. Or these other two dudes named Eric Johnson and Eric Sardinas; they also play the guitar quite well. These people need not play metal music to influence the bands with the most talent around today. This one dude, Victor Wooten, some people know him for playing bass. You’re more into the rap aspect of HU? No prob. Back in the day there was this one group named Public Enemy, and they teamed up with this band by the name of Anthrax; they made HISTORY by combining rap and metal. I’m sure you’ve seen that show, Flavor Of Love? Well, believe it or not, Flavor Flav was IN Public Enemy. Yeah, kids, he did something besides fuck both Brigitte Neilsen and a that one chick who pooped on the stairs in season 1. I know, its hard to believe, but its the truth. You guys into the “lyrical” content of HU? Need something to “connect” with? Well prepare to have your teenaged minds philosophically BLOWN. There is a rapper by the name of Common, who is not only incredibly ingelligent, he can also write about something besides singing like a lion and humping the air; he’s also a Five-Percenter. If you don’t know what that is, look it up. EDUCATE YOURSELVES. There is this other guy, Obie Trice, who is good at spitting about hard life situations with a sense of humor, all the while dabbling with guitars and such during production. And guess what? HE’S FRIENDS WITH EMINEM! ZOMG! I know you guys think that Kanye is the greatest rapper known to man, but the truth is, he um, isn’t. He doesn’t hold a candle to these guys. Sure, Kanye is very talented at rapping about Jesus and diamonds, but the buck stops there. Remember that guy named Common I spoke of? He was Kanye’s mentor back in the day. True story.

Listen: if you going to sit here and accuse people like myself and Elise of not listening to or understanding a band like Hollywood Undead, then you need to check yourself. You are ignorant. You are probably between the ages of 12-18, and frankly, you don’t know SHIT ABOUT SHIT. If you don’t know where this type of music ‘originated’ from, then don’t EVER come at me like I’m the idiot here. YOU ARE. You will continously get ZERO respect from the metal community unless you can sit down and back up just what this band is supposed to be all about. Ten bucks says you have no fucking clue. And to clarify: this is NOT METAL. NOT. NO. NEIN. Also, if you are going to say that I haven’t listened to enough of their material to get an accurate depiction of their sound, then you must stand corrected; if after listening to 7 tracks by a band, and having the same reaction to each one of them, its not the listener that has the problem, its the ARTIST. How many times have you actually taken a record by a band you already knew you weren’t into, and made it threw 7 songs from beginning to end before FINALLY declaring that you officially thought they sucked? Not many of you, I’m sure. Most likely, you skipped around, listened to the first minute of 3 or 4 songs, said “Fuck this” and turned on something you actually liked. Which is what I am going to do right now. Put on something of substance. Something that doesn’t make me dumber with every second I waste listening to it. Oh hey, “elyssacross”? Shut the fuck up. I need a rye and CapriSun. I’M OUT.

-A.Gossowski

[Do you have a comically awful band you’d like to challenge us to listen to?  Feel free to suggest one in the comments!]