STRAIGHT OUTTA DETWAT: I LOVE HOMOSEXUALS, BUT DUDE, YOU LOOK LIKE A FAG
YOU. YOU THERE! HEY! YOU LOOK LIKE A FAG. Yes, you. Stop prancing around and pay attention. All of you hardcore “dancers” out there ruining the pits, this one goes out to…you.
There is nothing I hate more in this world then hardcore “moshing”. Well, besides Lady Gaga, but that’s a conversation for another day. When I go to a show to watch a band and possibly slam my body into some stangers, the last thing I want to see or feel is some douchetard in skinny jeans flailing around like he has bees in his pants. This style of dancing is not only INCREDIBLY ANNOYING, but totally retarded and misses the concept of moshing as a whole. Moshing was a simple concept embraced by fans of thrash, punk and metal that would allow us to (sort of) safely take out our aggression during a show, yet still keep the comradery that is often associated with the music, itself. Okay, the “safe” part is 100% untrue, but roll with me here. Unfortunately, some fucking assholes decided it was time to start shopping at Lacoste, and needed to invent a way to mosh yet still keep his or her hair and clothing in pristine condition. That, and the birth of the breakdown (fuck my life, seriously; fucking breakdowns…jesus) lead to the invention of the hardcore “mosh”, seen here:
It pains me to watch that video. You know, metal never got me very angry, but when I see idiots like that at a show, I get LIVID. As in, all I want to do is pile drive them into the cement. Oh my god, I’m getting angry thinking about how angry it makes me. BREATHE. Okay. So, as you can see, there is an extremely heavy emphasis being put on having the LEAST amount of bodily contact between one another as possible. The complete opposite idea of what ACTUAL moshing entails. These fairy-like karate kicks into seemingly open space showcases just how much of a pansy you actually are, and eliminates any metal street cred you may have once had. You look like you took gymnastics for 10 years and flunked out for being a fatty. I am going to show you what real moshing actually is. Pay attention…
See anything wrong with this video? I do. Wanna know what it is? ITS THE KID IN THE YELLOW T-SHIRT TRYING TO HARDCORE DANCE. You windmill with your HAIR, not your ARMS. See all those kids running at full speed INTO EACH OTHER? Thats a form of REAL moshing. Creating a forcefield around your body by kicking and swinging your arms wildly is not in any way a respected form of expression at a show. Sorry, its just not going to happen. I’m not exactly sure what makes you kids think that your form of interpretive dance is acceptable in traditional mosh pits, so please consider this an official note on behalf of all sane and good metalheads: FUCKING STOP ACTING LIKE A HOMO IN OUR PITS. NO ONE LIKES YOU OR YOUR DANCING. IT PISSES US OFF. You injur people and don’t take the rap for it, either. I myself have been injured by one of your scissor kicks and I wasn’t even IN the pit. How many of you kosher metallers out there have seen one of these assholes completely DESTROY someone and not even acknowledge the fact that they did it? Flatlining a fan because you don’t want your polo to get dirty is unacceptable.
Now, I’m not saying we need to eliminate this form of douchery all together, I’m simply asking for you to keep it at your shitty ass deathcore and scene shows. We all know that the world is 3/4 retarded, so to even try and rid metal of your kind is unrealistic. But the least you can do is keep it to yourself. Do it at home. Do it at a Winds of Plague show or the Warped Tour, just KEEP IT AWAY FROM THE GOOD CONCERTS. I’m getting too fucking old and too fucking cranky to have to clothesline your asses everytime I see you out of the corner of my eye at a Gojira show. My lower-back hurts and I’m in no shape to risk getting kicked in the face just to prove my point. If you listen to me, no one will get hurt, and we can all go about our business peacefully.
To end this rant, here is a guy who will forever be cooler than ANY of us. This beats the guy I saw with a walker at Dirtfest this past summer, hands down. CHEERS, BUDDY! KEEP SHOWIN’ US HOW ITS DONE!
-A. Gossowski
