STRAIGHT OUTTA DETWAT: THE TACO BELL DRIVE-THRU DIET, SOMETHING THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS UN-FUNNY POST

So you’re driving in your car on your way to grab a case of Miller Lite. Casually flipping through the stations, and all of a sudden Lamb of God starts pumping through your speakers. “WHAT THE FUCK?!” you say, “did I accidentally press ‘disc’? Whats…going…on?” We, as metalheads, are ‘lucky’ to have a genre we can call OURS. Metal isn’t blowing up the radio, but when it does come on, do you get excited, or do you get angry? I would like to address just how selfish our genre really is, and ask all of our readers the question: is this greed justified?

Wait, THIS ISN’T MICHEAL BOLTON!!

Here in Detroit, we have a radio station that does a nightly show called ‘Midnight Metal.’ Its self-explanatory. If you need clarification, please click the [x] in the right corner of your screen. Anyway, the first time I was without my satellite radio (fuck you, that shit’s amazing), I stumbled upon Behemoth being played around 1 am. I almost shit my pants and got into a car accident. At first, I was overcome with shock and became VERY excited (I had to clean the seats after). Once I came to terms with hearing one of the most amazing and blasphemous bands of this decade on my local fucking radio station, I then got a bit agitated. That agitation turned into anger. Why? Because I don’t want MY music being played for the masses of retards listening to the radio. I don’t want to hear MY music unless *I* put it on, attend a show, or listen to HardAttack (Sirius 27). Essentially, I’m being a total possessive cunt, which at first I was fine with. But now, the more I am getting to know bands, the more I have to rethink the way I feel. The reason is this: we all, from the bottom of our hearts want the bands we love to continue making the amazing music they do. We think of these people as ‘family,’ in a sense. Metal is one of the few genre’s that is accessible 360 degrees. Therefore, its easy for us to get to know the people that have inadvertently gotten us through the times of our lives where we may have no one else to turn to. These men and women are just LIKE us. They ARE us. They want to sit at the bar and have a couple beers and shoot the shit about music, politics, and whatever else our drunk minds end up coming up with. This, and the fact that we can see them in venues that are the size of my foot (10, if you were interested), creates a personal bridge that eventually leads us to be protective over it. Metal is the child we’re proud of (there’s only one in every family, sorry). So why do we get so upset when the music and a band’s popularity begins to escalate?

If these guys get commercial, let’s commit mass suicide.

We are afraid it’s going to be tainted by the masses. That our bands are going to sell out, and eventually those family members are going to be too big for us regular folks. Metal festivals are the exception to this, as most of us are quite excited for these get-togethers, small or large. But when a band we know gains sudden commercial success, we tend to get jaded. I know I have had many instances where it’s evoked anger. In the end, though, don’t we want what is best for the people/bands we have grown to love? It’s a double-edged sword here. On one hand, we want to keep this music in our hands, in OUR control. On the other, we desire more and better music from the same bands. What’s a metalhead to do, you fuckers? Has anyone else ever thought about this? Or are you all so fucking selfish or stupid to incorporate logic in your thoughts and metal qualms?

I’m not saying all of you are stupid, just most. Even us intelligent folk are easily deterred by our passion. It’s a really difficult situation we find ourselves in. How do you guys feel? I know I’m not the only one who has felt this way. If I am, then I am clearly 100 times smarter then you. Sorry. That’s just the way it is.

I just made this up because I was bored. #srsly

Let’s think about this. Should we be justified in this situation? SHOULD I JUST LISTEN TO LADY GAGA AND NOT WORRY ABOUT IT!? I’m mad confused, you guys. I’m sorry this post was dedicated to my mid-week life crisis, but I just….had to….find answers. The usual hatred for all things SUCK will be back next week. For now, please help weigh in on a sista’s thoughts.

-A.Gossowski