PANTY RAID! MR. FEBRUARY IS….SERGEANT D!
As they say…I scratch your back, you scratch mine. In conjunction with my guest post on Stuff You Will Hate last week, Sergeant D accepted my offer to be Mr. February. And since this is a month all about love, Sarge is offering you studz some solid dating advice. Check out his post, and his “situation” below… -Elise
Sergeant D’s (Non-Sarcastic) Secrets To Being A Boyfriend
I’m guessing that most of the readers of this blog are socially awkward weirdos, being metal fans and all. That means you are probably not an expert in matters of the heart, but fortunately for you, I am— and I love to share. There’s no shortage of books, videos, and websites about how to get laid. In fact, I have written quite a bit about how to master the art of boozy flirting (here and here), so you should have all the tools you need to meet girls and get in their pants. But what about being a good boyfriend/husband?? It turns out I am pretty awesome at that too, so I thought I would share a few tips to keeping you and your lady on the road to living happily ever after. I figured these out the hard way, so please learn from my mistakes!
1. DON’T GET BETWEEN THEM AND THEIR FOOD
Girls like food. A LOT. They often have cravings, and you need to make sure she gets WHAT she wants WHEN she wants it.
What: When she says she “wants pizza,” what she’s REALLY thinking is that she wants a slice of thin-crust pepperoni (fresh from the oven, not reheated) with parmesan on top (just a little, not too much) and a Cherry Coke (from the fountain in a paper cup half-full of ice). Make sure you tease out all those little details or she will be disappointed and spend the next few hours pouting and being fussy because you brought her some shit from Pizza Hut and thought that would be good enough. IT’S NOT!
When: Make sure you don’t eat something she was planning on eating. For example, you might get home earlier than her and eat the last peach yogurt. Then she will get home, and next thing you know she’s yelling from the fridge, “What happened to the last yogurt?? Did you eat it?? I’ve been thinking about that all fucking day goddamnit, ugh.” You had no idea she was fantasizing about yogurt all day at work, but it doesn’t matter. At that point you’re fucked. Don’t bother to go get her one, because it’s ruined and she doesn’t want it anymore.
Trust me, if she blames you for ruining a food moment and/or preventing her from satisfying a craving, you’re doomed!
2. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF THEM
Girls hate being told what to do, talked down to, or rushed. There are lots of occasions where this comes into play, but here are two of the most common:
Don’t try to solve their problems. When they complain, they are not looking for advice or solutions, they just want you to listen. When you offer suggestions or advice, you’re just trying to help, but they don’t see things that way. To them, you are being bossy and not listening. I know, it’s fucking crazy and retarded, but it’s the way they work. Instead of trying to help, just say things like, “Wow, he DOES sound like a real jerk! I would be annoyed by that too!” or “That sounds exhausting! What a tough day.” At all costs, avoid volunteering information, facts, or anything else you would say to one of your male friends!!
Let them take their time getting ready. Yes, they will make you late for everything, but only because they want to look nice for you and their friends. If you try to hurry them out the door, they’ll feel ugly and self-conscious all night and blame it all on you. That is a surefire recipe for a shitty evening for everyone, so give them as much time as they want— everybody is different, but in my experience 90 minutes is a good rule of thumb for most girls.
Tread lightly here, my friends— being bossy or rushing your lady is a fast route to the doghouse.
3. BE A MIND-READER
Ladies hate making decisions as much as they hate being told what to do. They also hate telling you what they are feeling, so you need to learn to read their mind.
Don’t ask them what they want, tell them. Girls are annoyed when you ask them what they want too often. I know you’re just trying to make sure she gets what you want, but she doesn’t see it that way. To her, it seems like you are offloading the decision-making on her, and girls hate making decisions. For example, rather than ask where she wants to eat, be confident and do your best to decide for her. Just say, “Hey, I’m thinking on Saturday we should go to that new Thai place, it looks super cute!” As long as it sounds like you will show her a good time, she will be stoked to go.
Give them choices so they can say no. Lots of times girls will ask you for your feedback when they are shopping for clothes, like when they are deciding what pair of jeans to get. As you know, you will never, ever be right in the eyes of your girl, so use this to your advantage. Pick a pair at random and say, “How about these?” She will say “Nooooo, those are too tight on the hips.” Pick the next one and say, “Yeah maybe you’re right. How about these?” She will shoot those down for a different reason. Just keep going until she has said no to all of the choices, at which point she will usually pick the one she had in mind in the first place.
Don’t be overly pushy when you’re deciding for them, but ladies love a man who can take charge!
There’s certainly more to it than these three things, but these have served me well so far. Ladies, what do you think?? Is this good advice for your man, or am I talking out of my ass? What are the keys to being a good girlfriend/wife??
-Sergeant D
[Attention citizens of BOY LAND! Think you’re worthy of a Panty Raid?? Send your stuff to reigninblonde@gmail.com. You just might be Mr. March!]
