ELISE HAS A QUICKIE WITH JEFF WOOD OF SHAT

Well, the site’s been hoopty, and half of my readers probably can’t even see this…but shit’s been rough, and I could use a laugh.  Cue Jeff Wood of Shat: the man, the legend.  ”Comedic” music definitely has its thang throughout the metal scene.  Bands like Gwar, Steel Panther, Austrian Death Machine, pirate metal, or what-have-you….they can all SUCK IT.  Because none of them will ever be as awesome as Shat.  Jeff Wood is a man known for his love of cunts and whores…and as far as I’m concerned, that’s what being a man is all about.  Shat’s newest release, Cunt-a-Doodle-Doo, will be released on April 1st.  Check him out on his Perversion Excursion tour, coming soon to a town near you.  And if that’s enough, check out what he’s got goin’ on on the side…Full Scale Riot and the Murder League All-Stars.

I asked Jeff a few questions recently and stuck to topics that I knew he’d enjoy.  Here he is: CUMpletely unedited…

CUNT-A-DOODLE-DO drops on April 1st.  Is this some kind of concept album?

DROPPIN LIKE IT’S HOT HAHAHA ALL ARE C.D.’S, CUNT PARM, CUNT FLAVORIED LOLLI-POPS, THE CUNT CRONICALS, CUNTREE, AND NOW CUNT-A-DOODLE DOO,   ARE  CONCEPT ALMUMS. THE CONCEPT IS CUNT.  IF IT WASNT FOR CUNT NOT ONE OF US WOULD BE HERE RIGHT NOW CAUSE WE ALL CAME OUT OF ONE. I PLAN ON EXTENDING THE CONCEPT EVEN FURTHER IN THE FUTURE WITH: CUNT EYED AND THE OUR 7 TH RELEASE GREEN EGGS & CUNT.DELICIOUS.

Who would you say is the biggest cunt of all time?

AT THIS VERY POINT IN TIME ELLEN DEGENERAS  AND THERE WILL BE A SONG CALLED   ”ELLEN DEGENERAS  IS SUCH A FUCKIN CUNT” ON CUNT-A-DOODLE DOO. THEY IS HORRABLE AND HATES COCK ON TOP OF IT IN OTHER WORDS A WORTHLESS WASTE OF LIFE WHO IS USING UP OUR RESORCES.  I’D RATHER EAT MY OWN SHIT THEN LOOK OR LISTEN TO HER.

How do you stay in such great shape? Can you tell me a little about your workout routine?

I’M IN GREAT SHAPE ? HAHAHAHAHA  WELL I CAN SAY I WAS IN GREAT SHAPE AT ONE TIME. AND WHEN I WAS I WAS GOING TO THE GYM 4 TIMES A WEEK AND TAKING SUS 500. THAT SHIT TAKES TIME WICH I HAVE BEEN TO LAZY TO PUT IN.BUT I FOUND THAT IF YOU EAT GREAT PUSSY THAT CHICKS DONT CARE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE OR HOW MUCH YOU WEIGH.  PROBLOM IS GETTING TO THAT POINT WERE YOU ARE IN GOOD ENOUGH SHAPE TO APROCH A 10 OR A 9 WITH OUT HER RUNNING AWAY. SO I WILL BE GOIN BACK TO THE GYM BEFORE TOUR. FUCKIN 44 D.I.Y. SHOWS TAKES ALOT OUT OF YOU. WE AINT LIKE DILLI NGER ESCAPE PLAN WERE THEY HAVE PEOPLE SET UP AND BREAK DOWN ALL OUR SHIT. WE GOTTA DO IT ALL, NO ROADIES, JUST 4 MIDDLE AGES DUDES BUSTIN ASS EVERY NIGHT FOR 44 NIGHTS IN A ROW AND GETTIN DRUNK AND LAID IN THE SAME BREATH. TOUR RULES.

What do you think of these whores? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubfWnIid5J8 [Editor’s note: This band is called The Millionaires. They are popular with fans of Brokencyde.]

THESE ARE THE MOST AMAZING WHORES I HAVE EVER SEEN. I NEED TO GET THEM ON TOUR WITH US. ALSO NEED THEM ON MY NEW LABLE IM STARTING SHAT WRECK CHORDS. THESE CHICKS ARE TOTALY MINT AND WE NEED TO CALABERATE ON A SONG. P.S. I GOT SHOT IN THE HEAD IN 1992 AND STILL HAVE A HALF A BULLET IN MY HEAD, SO IF ANYONE READING THIS IS MAKIN FUN OF MY SPELLING FUCK YOU.  LETS SEE HOW YOU SPELL IF YOU LIVE THROUGH A BULLET TO THE HEAD BITCH.

What advice can you give all the sex-less metal dorks that read my site?

SO YER SITE IS FOR SEXLES DORKS ?  HAHAHAHAHA  MY ADVICE IS GET OFF THE COMPUTER AND GET THE FUCK OUT THERE.  YOU SHOULD BE GOING OUT 4 TIMES A WEEK AND RUNNING GAME.  BUT BEFORE YOU DO THAT YOU ARE GONNA NEED A GAME. I SUGJEST LOOKING UP A NEW PICK UP ARTESTS THE MOST COMMON IS MYSTERY. THEY HAVE BOOKS AND DVDS TOO. THERE ARE VERY GOOD TECHKNEEKS  (HAHAHA)  AND STEPS USED IN PICKING UP A WOMAN.  YOU NEED A GOOD OPENER OTHER THAN THE BULLSHIT STUPIC DUMB PICK UP LINES USED MY MOST DUMB ASS’S.  NON SEXUAL NEGITIVE COMPLEMENTS SHOULD FALLOW YER OPENER. ONE OF THE BEST OPENERS IS A SIMPLE “HI”. THEN GO INTO YOUR RUETEEN (HAHAHA)  THIS TAKES PRACTICE CAUSE YA GOTTA GO FROM THERE  WITH A SHORT NON SEXUAL STORY AFTER THAT YOU NEED TO KNOW HOW TO ADD DHV SPIKES (DEMENSTATION OF HIGHER VALUE)  AND NOW HOW TO NOT GO TO FAR AND END UP BLOWING HER OUT OF THE WATER. A GIRL KNOWS IF SHE WANTS TO BANG YOU WITH IN THE FIRST 30 SECONDS  YOUR KEY IS TO KEEP HER THERE FOR THAT 30  AND THE ANOTHER 2 MINS  AND THEN SO ON UNTIL YOUR LICKIN HER ASS IN THE BACK OF YOUR VAN.WELL, I HAVE A VAN.  THERES ALOT TO IT SO LOOK THAT SHIT UP  AND PRACTICE AND DO NOT GET DICURAGE.  CHICK SAYS NO SAY THANKS AND MOVE ON TO THE NEXT ONE. ITS A #S GAME UNTIL YOU GET GOOD AT IT.  AND IT THE LONG RUN YA MAY EVEN END UP WITH A WHORE YOU LOVE.

I WILL HAVE MORE INFO AND HELP ON MY NEW WEBSITE BEING LAUNCHED ON MY 40 TH BIRTHDAY THIS MARCH 21 ST AT WWW.SHATBAND.COM CHECK IT OUT ITS GONNA BE AMAZING.  AND BY OUR FUCKIN C.D. AND MOST IMPORTANT COME TO OUR SHOWS  WE ARE OUT APRIL AND MAY IN THE U.S. ALL DATES UP NOW AT www.myspace.com/shatpunkrock SEE YA THEN KIDS.