PANTY RAID! MR. MARCH IS….DANIEL CAIRNS OF DEMONPIGEON.COM!
First things first, I’d just like to thank the goils (teehee!) that run the site for letting me be Mr. March, which makes me feel damn sexy. It’s probably the only time anything like this will ever happen to me, not that I’m ugly or anything. I have the body of a greek deity (Athena).
Anyhoo, I had no idea what I was going to write for this thing. It’s kind of hard trying to think up stuff for an actual audience, as opposed to the 7 people who may occasionally look at the site I write for. So I was thinking, ‘maybe I should write about women in metal?’ And I thought naaaaah. No point. It’s been done before, and I’d come across as sexist and stupid, even though I’m more of a feminist than any stupid whore anyway. Then I thought, ‘what about things that annoy me in metal?’ I was nearly going to go for that, but then I realised 1000 words about how stupid Brian Fair looks would just be cruel. Seriously, he looks like a teenage chthulhu who’s pissed off because his parents have confiscated his xbox or something. Seriously that man’s near 40, correct? Imagine him getting dragged along by a bus, because he didn’t get his stupid hair out the way in time. Imagine him roaring in pain in that shitty ineffectual way he’s so good at in his rubbish band. I’m imagining it now, and now my pyjamas are covered in semen.
But we’re getting off topic. I was also nearly going to write you festering dunderheads some dating advice, but i’ve done it on my own site, and Sergeant D did it last month anyway in his Mr. February column. The bollock.
I was stuck. What am I going to write for you metalhead goons?
And then it hit me… I can write about you metalhead goons!
Chaps. Chapettes. Don’t get me wrong. You’re the reason I’m ashamed about owning some Cannibal Corpse albums. You’re a stinking, horrible ignorant bunch sometimes. I’ve seen it in the flesh and on the internet. Like Twitter. I follow people on Twitter who think Iron Maiden are the be all and end all of music. I have spoken to people who DON’T think Saxon are an embarassing fat mess. I’ve spoken to people wearing studded wristbands who called me a whiney fag for liking the Deftones. All of you, every single last one of you, are utterly abhorrent examples of human kind.
But I love you. All of you. Loathe as I am to admit it, I’m one of you. Metal has a stunningly varied cross section of goons, ranging from smartly dressed people with sensible haircuts to fully fledged beardy weirdos. This will be a celebration of all things you!
So! What better place than youtube to look at you and lau… I mean revel in your glory.
This excellent child goes on an inspired rant about how trendy kids are ruining grind. Features the immortal line ‘if he was such a badass he wouldn’t have that gayass emo haircut.’ Little shit.
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Cover versions of metal songs on youtube are as common as the menopause. Look at this sickeningly talented chap. Not only is he wailing on a song that sounds like it should be in Castlevania or something, he’s also pulling enough facial tics to make rain man shit himself. Are you all as excellent as this man?
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That’s a no then.
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Even insanely pretty girls are into it! This is a bit of a classic. I’m sure you poltroons are all like ‘wah, welcome to 3 years ago or something.’ Well shut up. I’m Mr. March and you’re not. Besides, what none of you know is that years of doing that turned this gloriously fragrant lady into this…
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Oh well. At least she kept her teeth nice and clean. :)
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Look! Even toddlers are at it! Look at his br00tal pokemon t-shirt! Every girly girl I’ve ever shown this video pretty much wants to adopt that kid. It must be the endearingly cheeky way he mimics Max Cavalera’s ‘fook eeeet ooooop!’ shtick. He’s definitely got better hair anyway. By the way, this video is even better if you imagine they’re being held at gunpoint by their favela crime overlords.
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Finally, we meet this hero. He is everything I aspire to be. Maybe it’s the way his chins ripple when unleashing his evil. Maybe it’s his complete seriousness when giving the horns. Maybe it’s the fact he looks like an even fatter, more retarded version of Chris Moyles (he is a British DJ you capitalist yank pigdogs). I don’t know what it is, but god I’d wreck the fuck out of that bitch.
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So we’ve had an angry child, a mentally wrong virtuoso, a hessian in a shop, a beautiful lady (and her unfortunate metamorphosis into a viking), the cast of Kindergarten cop and dreamboat at the end. I don’t think you could get a bigger variety of people in any other genre.
Well done metal bastards! You’ve proven that you are a truly omnipotent, unstoppable force. I’m going to go cry now. :’(
-Daniel Cairns
[Attention citizens of BOY LAND! Think you’re worthy of a Panty Raid?? Send your stuff to reigninblonde@gmail.com. You just might be Mr. April!]
