STRAIGHT OUTTA DETWAT: SCION FEST 2010…IF YOU WENT, I PROBABLY DIDN’T SEE YOU, BECAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY BEING AWESOME
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Saturday, March 13th, 2010. Scion Rock fest. Ohio. Growing up not far from the home state of the Fuck-eyes, I went into this experience only slightly excited. It had nothing to do with the festival itself, and everything to do with Ohio smelling like tar and looking like shit. So I am very pleased to say that this review has almost nothing bad to say about the state of Ohio, nor anything bad about Scion or the fantastical bands I was able to catch. Instead of writing 5 pages of the days events, I shall make a time line of activities and happenings of my life for that day.
10:16am – Woke-up late due to excessive drinking of tequila and playing Pass the Pigs.
1:27pm – Arrive at friends house and get on the road. 3 – 3 ½ hours to Columbus. Have a interview scheduled with Landmine Marathon at 6. Will be there with time to spare. Forgot to poo before we left. Regretting it.
2:00pm – Stuck not far from home on the freeway. Semi-truck went horizontal across all lanes. Sitting around with my thumb up my ass on the phone with Elise. Gossiping about boys.
2:34pm – Finally out of accident traffic, and moving into construction traffic. Did I mention it was pouring buckets of acid rain? BUCKETS, YOU GUYS. FUCKING BUCKETS.
3:25pm – Text Matt from Landmine about pushing interview back due to traffic. No problems there. My bladder is beginning to swell to the size of a watermelon. Starting to contemplate pissing on the floor of friends car. Thinking: “I’ve pissed in worse places, and worse people have probably pissed here.”
4:30pm – Friend and friend-of-friend in the car decide they want to go to a sit down Mexican restaurant in Ohio, although they know I have an interview. I begin to plot out how I will murder them in the memo section of my Blackberry.
6:04pm – Ready to leave Mexican restaurant. They ate, I had a margarita to calm my nerves. Confession: “I definitely needed it, and it was delicious.” Text Matt to push back the interview…again. Stopped at store to get bottle of Jim Beam. This comes in handy later.
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This chair at the restaurant depicts with 100% accuracy the life of a typical Mexican citizen.
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7:00pm – Stopped again to piss, buy pack of gum, punch walls to take out frustration. Still 70 miles from Columbus.
8:02pm – FINALLY ARRIVE AT SCION. Park where I thought I was supposed to pick up my press pass. Turns out I needed to go 12 blocks the other way. The map of bars provided for the festival is deceivingly small. Turns out each bar is at least 8 blocks from one another on the same street. Decided to take a cab to the tent to get my pass, since I refuse to run 12 blocks because it might actually kill me. Bottle of Beam, Blackberry, and digital recorder in purse.
8:20ish – Get pass, head into Circus for TRAP THEM. Get cup of Diet Coke, and dump some Beam in. People flying around by the front of the stage. Seeing more feet then heads pop up. Matt from Landmine says they are at Circus as well and we can meet up after Trap Them’s set. Show was awesome, energy was intense. Texts me a few mins later saying they left and are at one of the other venues…12 blocks the other way. Finish my drink and hail another cab.
9ish – FINALLY meet up with Landmine at their merch table. Do interview next door at some fast-food sushi place. Turned out awesome. Headed back to merch and that’s when the real fun started…
9:30ish – Voivod playing at Newport where Landmine’s merch was. Pulled out the bottle of Beam. Sat around shooting the shit with Dylan of the band for a while, taking pulls from Beam. Watched a bit of Voivod, whom I also saw a couple days prior in Detroit. Detroit show was better due to the smaller venue size. Set was intense from what I caught. Offer Beam to Mike Pohlmeier. Takes a pull, and promptly throws up into a Solo cup. Grace Perry is highly amused, as is everyone else. Thinking: “Br00tal”.
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A pentagram made out of the most metal things on earth: skateboards and penises. And red flannel.
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10ish – Been texting with Scott of Skeletonwitch most of the day about meeting up for some or 13 beers. Says to meet him at Skully’s for Shrinebuilder. Offer one more pull to Landmine before I leave. Take cab to Skully’s, order another diet coke. Dump in Beam. Run into Scott. After a few cigs, he decides he wants to move to the front of the stage for Shrine. Its packed. He uses my camera and our media passes to coerce the crowd into getting the fuck out of our way to get to the front of the stage. Best idea ever. Wasn’t a fan of Shrinebuilder until I witnessed them live that night. OUTSTANDING. Mesmerizing. Also think some guy next to me farted on my leg. Smelled terrible. Didn’t matter, because SB blew me away.
10:30ish – Left the crowd to go have some smoke with Scott and people he introduced me too. Don’t remember who the fuck anyone was. Think most of them were people I should have remembered if I ever wanted a job. Clearly didn’t take enough Adderall that morning. #shadFAIL on my part.
Some fucking time – Still outside shooting the shit. Call Elise and give the phone to Scott so they could flirt. Got yelled at for trying to play a piss poor match maker. Was advised to just stick to drinking and smoking. So that’s what I did.
Some later fucking time – Went back into Skully’s, refilled on Beam and Diet. Passed bottle to Scott. Realized bottle was a total whore that night. And somehow still hadn’t been cleared out yet. Shocked and slightly appalled by my lack of boozing. Needed to catch up.
Stopped looking at the clock – Scott invites me to some after-party at a bar where I think some of the bands that night were playing. Not sure if it was a secret or not. Don’t think we made it there. Hailed a cab, and another gentleman got in with us. Turned out it was Juggalo Bob. Passed him the Beam. Started getting worried that the bottle might have contracted an STD.
Who cares what the time was – Stood around in the lobby at The Hyatt. Turned out all the bands for Scion were booked in the same hotel. Lobby filled with bands and metalheads. Staff looked frightened. Everyone had a beer or drink in their hand. Juggalo Bob and myself found out there was a bar in the hotel, and went on a mission to find it. I think it was closed. I think A LOT. Ran into someone in some band who said there were many a party throughout the hotel rooms. Proceeded back to the lobby to find Scott.
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The bathroom at the Hyatt is very specific about what you can and cannot put into their toilets.
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Time Traveling at the speed of plastic bags – Found Scott, who decided he would puss out and go to sleep. We bid him adieu and headed back to the lobby. Looked to my left and recognize a girl standing amongst some other people. Realized it was m’lady Grim Kim. We screamed like little girls upon meeting in person. It was really, really gay. The three of us go on a mission to find parties. Things started to get blackout. Bottle gets passed. Again.
Someplace, sometime, somewhere – Walked in and out of random rooms. My bottle turned out to not be the only slut in the room. Took a pull of some horrible vodka. Watched people fall down, break things, do cartwheels, etc. During this time, which I didn’t know until the morning, I had lost my car keys. Don’t remember if I knew it at the time though, because the booze made it all better.
What-ever – Ran out of beer, had to go find more. Back to the lobby where we run into Christy of Ludicra. She offers some of her beer. Went to some other hotel rooms. May or may not have done some sort of drugs. Lots of high-fiving going on. Said things I probably shouldn’t have. Probably danced and sang to songs I didn’t know. Slowly people start dropping like flies. Think it was 6am. Christy and I chug on. Stole Miller High Life from someone, someplace. Sorry about that, whose ever it was. It was DELICIOUS (while blacked out).
7am – Christy: “I wanna go swimming!” I promptly agree with an, “Fuck yeah! SWIMMING.” I have no bathing suit. Decide I can just go in my tank top and underwear. Head to pool where some metal guys were hanging out. We waited until they left, meanwhile sitting around the pool drinking those High-Life. They leave. We enter. Did flips and shit. Got out multiple times looking for the non-existent hot tub. Got sad. Kept drinking.
8am or something – Got out of pool. Instead of drying my underwear off and putting them on, my drunk logic told me to just throw them away in the trash. Put on jeans, pantyless. Headed to Christy’s room, where she graciously allowed me to stay. Friends I drove with were at a different hotel. Didn’t see them all night, didn’t care.
12/1ish – Woke up topless trying to figure out where I was. And why I was topless. Clothed myself, took a piss, thanked Christy, and headed downstairs where my friends were to pick me up. Went and had Waffle House for the first time. Confession: “This is the most delicious omelet I have ever eaten”. Found 2 cans of unopened High Life in my purse.
SO…this entire timeline had little to do with the fantastic music I mostly MISSED due to traffic, asshole friends, and…asshole friends. For this, I apologize. There were far too many sets I missed out on to give you guys an accurate review of the groups who played. But here is what I can say…
Scion has their shit together for the most part. They not only had a GREAAAAAAT line-up, but they also took care of the fans AND the bands. I’m not sure if my late arrival had to do with the ease of getting my pass and the like, but it was certainly organized from what I observed. BUT…the travel time between venues was NOT advertised well. It was an easy 15-20 minute walk between the 4 venues on High St. Yes, the street all the venues were on was named High St. Go figure. Apparently there was a “shuttle” for media and bands which would have certainly helped…if it had a schedule. Turns out the shuttle didn’t ever really come around, nor did the driver care. Which sucked. Its not that I’m too lazy to walk 12 blocks (yes I am, c’mon), but the bands over-lapped so much I just wanted to catch the rest of what I could. Other than this flaw, I would give Scion Fest this year an 8.0. Party wise, an 11. A fucking 11. I know this timeline has little to nothing to do with the actual bands. Sorry. Go someplace else if you wanna hear about how bad Brutal Truth was (seriously, that band blows donkey balls live).
Anyway, if you live within a 5 hour drive of where Scion Fest will be taking place NEXT year, I highly suggest you go. Just don’t bring your cars keys with you to the bar. Or the hotel you stay at. Or any place that you may get blackout and lose them. P.S.) Thank you to Penny at the Hyatt Regency in Columbus…for finding my fucking keys 4 days later. Any festivals you guys looking forward to the rest of the year? Any you advise to stay away from like a guy that says that’s just a “zit” on his top lip? Any place you want to invite me for a beer and a quickie in the bathroom? Are you still even reading this? I need to take a shit and watch Flash Forward on ABC. PEACE.
-A. Gossowski
