PANTY RAID! MR. APRIL IS….”ISLANDER” OF NOCLEANSINGING.COM!
[Editor’s note: Ass kissing is always appreciated.]
I figured my best shot at getting picked Mr. Some-Month-Other-Than-January-February-Or-March was to write about the perpetrators of Reign In Blonde because, you know, people love to read about themselves. If anyone tells you they don’t like being fawned over, buttered up, and/or made the center of attention, you’ll know right away they’re egregious liars.
The first option I considered was to express slavish adulation in every way I could think of. Wouldn’t matter whether it came off as sincere or not – I knew the ladies would just eat that shit up. But then I thought, we already prominently feature RIB on our own site as one of our chief inspirations for blogging about metal, and we drop the RIB name in our posts pretty often (we’ve got it calendared on a monthly basis so we don’t forget!), and I frequently add my complimentary comments on their own posts. So that’s all pretty slavishly adulatory, don’t you think?
Doesn’t mean I couldn’t do more. There’s always room for more boot-licking obsequiousness. But though most of my self-respect left the house after about the 20th time I puked my guts out following self-medication with tequila, there’s a tiny bit left, and I have to hoard it jealously. I’ve only got so much boot-licking obsequiousness left to dole out before the last shards of self-respect go up in smoke, and I might need to give some good boot-tonguing in a future job interview.
So then I thought about cataloguing the no-strings-attached sexual favors I’d be prepared to offer, you know, as a way of concretely showing the RIB ladies just how fucking hot I think they are. Not that I think they’d actually take me up on the offer (cuz they’re too busy masturbating), but because women love it when men (especially men who are drunk off their asses) offer graphically described sexual favors and tell ‘em how fucking hot they are. Don’t they? I mean, if women tell you they don’t like it, that must mean they’re egregious liars. Doesn’t it?
But then I remembered the importance of conserving my remaining capacity for boot-licking in case of a future job interview, and I couldn’t think of any other sexual favors that might appeal to these ladies.
So then I turned to Option 3: Play arm-chair psychologist! Prepare observations about the three RIB contributors based solely on what I’ve actually read or seen on their blog. I decided that would achieve the goal of giving the RIB perpetrators something to publish that’s all about them (see first paragraph above) while preserving what’s left of my vanishingly small self-respect. Win-win! So, here goes:
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JULIA: What do we know about Julia based on her writing? She considers herself “a relatively tough chick”; she went to college at Syracuse (where men are men and the sheep are scared); she hasn’t been in a mosh pit since Oct ’08, but based on photo evidence it looks like she knew how to rip it up; she was a high school cheerleader (making her overqualified for the mosh pit); she likes to make people smile; she prefers tall dudes with beards; she’s in a relationship with a guy she calls The Beardo who apparently doesn’t like metal (that won’t fucking last); she claims she doesn’t need to masturbate (that won’t last either); she likes college sports (and she went to Syracuse?); she likes her metal “hard, heavy, and fast,” but she’s got pretty eclectic musical taste (e.g., she digs Dillinger Escape Plan, Lamb of God, Dimmu, In Flames, Slayer, Kittie, Psyopus, Skeletonwitch, and Demon Hunter); she’s a fan of VH1’s Celebrity Rehab as well as Ozzy and Sharon Osborne (do ya see a common thread there?); she likes her shots of whiskey; she’s not a size queen; she has peach-colored nipples (no, I haven’t seen ‘em, just reporting what I read); she’s sarcastic in her humor, but usually not in a cruel way; she has a sentient iPod that knows her better than she knows herself; she seems to have an eye for hilariously weird photos and videos of all kinds; she currently has 12 piercings, mainly in the ears; she lives for Halloween; she goes to a gym in Harlem (or used to); she’s OCD about cleanliness (does she comb the Beardo’s beard?); she doesn’t have much use for pop or pop rock; she believes in metal as a vehicle for personal empowerment; she uses the word “wussy”; she’s a self-described videogame nerd (Guitar Hero and Rockband); she interviewed Christopher Amott (and never asked about his bowel movements); she has a crush on Mark Morton and Randy Blythe; her personal motto seems to be “Let’s bowl bitches!”; she can write; and – well, there’s more, but I think I’m renting this space by the word, so enuf already.
What are we to make of this info as we sit in our armchair and psychologize? At heart, Julia is fun-loving and optimistic, and she knows how to party. She prefers men to women. She’s well-organized, self-sufficient, overachieving, and conscientious – which is why she likes metal for the release it provides. She’s brainy but doesn’t wear that on her sleeve. She has low standards when it comes to college sports. The boot-licking offer probably wouldn’t have worked, but I’m not 100% sure. She shouldn’t forget how to masturbate.
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ELISE:
What do we know about Elise based on her writing? She’s a Mike Patton stalker; she loves American Idol and is a “mega tween TV geek”; she went to Rutgers (where men are men and the sheep are scared); she thinks Shadows Fall sucks but thinks Shat, Melt Banana, and Quicksand are awesome; she seems to watch a lot of figure-skating; she’s familiar with “Tarzan Boy”; along the same lines, she likes other catchy pop music (including “Tik Tok”) and artists like Ricky Nelson and Tom Jones; she believes size does matter; she’s big on Mastodon, Dillinger Escape Plan, and Converge, but isn’t down with s00per br00tal metal or black metal (though her Best of 2009 list did include Skeletonwitch); she’d like to watch Dino Cazares eat a copy of Fear Factory’s new release (me too!); she likes men who are tall, funny, and not hairy; she appreciates math metal and jazz metal (fuckin’ A!) plus other metal with good vocalists and non-metal elements in the mix; she’s single at the moment (clearly, there are too many short, hairy, un-funny dudes in the NYC area) but a romantic at heart; she would like to have Devin Townsend’s baby (or at least his semen); she actually asked Devin Townsend about his bowel movements in an interview (probably cutting the odds of getting his semen); she’s interested in metal fashion; she uses the word “tickled”; if she could quit her day job, she’d hang out baking cookies all day; the HU4L crowd have issued a fatwa for her death because of her blasphemy against Hollywood Undead (and have prepared cookie recipes that call for bits of her liver and spleen); she’s probably still looking for a gay metal friend; she would date Satyr (Satyricon) in a heartbeat; she can write; and – well, there’s more. Of course there is, but I need to stop digging back through her posts and finish writing this one.
So what are we to make of this, here in the realm of clinical arm-chair psychology? At heart, Elise is a sweetheart, and not afraid to show it, even in the generally nasty world of metal. She was raised by a loving family and is a true and loyal friend. She’s got a backbone, but doesn’t like confrontation. She’s pretty tolerant and nonjudgmental and tries to find something good in everyone. She’s part of what makes RIB a reliable way to brighten your day. The boot-licking offer definitely wouldn’t have worked.
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ANGELA:
We don’t have quite as much clinical evidence to work with in Angela’s case because she didn’t make her first bombastic appearance at RIB until January. On the other hand, it’s not like she’s coy about her personal details. So, let’s see what we know based on her writing:
She’s Polish and proud of it (I think that’s a Polack joke); she lives in Detroit and spells it Detwat; she also thinks Shadows Fall sucks but worships at the feet of Behemoth (fuckin’ A!); she has both of Lindsay Lohan’s albums but can’t stand Lady Gaga; she uses the words “cunt” and “sack” (early and often); she thinks most people are “rude, scandalous, and unforgiving”; she doesn’t take much of anything seriously and finds something funny in everything (including the gorefest in Haiti); she thinks Arch Enemy is a great fucking band but Angela Gossow is a rock-hard bitch with a stick up her ass; she likes Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix (fuckin’ A!) and probably other artists who died of overdoses; she seems to drink heavily, particularly when writing (except when she’s already blacked out); she has a size 10 foot; she likes to fuck to Deftones’ White Pony album and get railed from behind while listening to Ihsahn (I’m starting to get tumescent); she thinks size matters to the same extent as water (but that’s an ambiguous comparison because I’m pretty sure Angela gets her fluids strictly from vodka, tequila, and rye); she likes In Flames, Metallica, Textures, Scar Symmetry, and Children of Bodom; she thinks the world is 3/4 RETARDED and 95% of the dudes in metal bands are UGLY; she’s willing to sell herself to pay off debts; she’s into biting; she masturbates a lot; her personal motto seems to be “fuck you, don’t judge me”; the HU4L crowd would have issued a fatwa for her death because of her blasphemy against Hollywood Undead – but they were too scared; she hates hardcore moshing and believes that real moshing involves people running into each other at full speed (fuckin’ A!); she can write, and what she writes will make you piss yourself from laffing so hard; and – well, there’s more. But I’m almost outta time.
So, what are we to make of all this in our arm-chair approach to psychology? At heart, Angela is an ax murderer. She was raised by wolves. She will be your true and loyal friend if you’ll give her your credit card, a case of Miller, and a fifth of vodka. She thrives on confrontation, especially if there’s a chance it will lead to bloodshed. She might try to look for something good in everyone if she thought there were a chance she’d find some – but there isn’t. Instead, she finds something to laugh about in everyone (and causes you to laugh, too). She’s part of what makes RIB so evil. The boot-licking offer definitely would have worked. She has so much semen she could set up shop as a sperm bank. #srsly
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Well ladies, that’s all I got until our next session on the couch. I’ll send you my bill (with the usual discount for colleagues).
Worshipfully,
-Islander
[Attention citizens of BOY LAND! Think you’re worthy of a Panty Raid?? Send your stuff to reigninblonde@gmail.com. You just might be Mr. May!]
