PORTAL DON’T SCURRRR ME

Last week I caught a rather loaded lineup at the Knitting Factory here in Brooklyn: Bloody Panda, Krallice, Portal & Gorguts. Definitely not the best show I’ve seen all year, but it sure was one of the smelliest.

The band on mostly everyone’s mind that evening seemed to be Aussie doom & gloom-ers, Portal. I had never really listened to them before, but I had heard that the singer likes to a wear a big ass clock on his head when he performs, so uhhh…there’s that. Both Metalsucks and Brooklyn Vegan wrote glowing reviews of their set, but I left the show that night not quite as stoked. Many regarded Portal’s performance as “scary,” but I just found it downright comical. The band came out wearing black executioner hoods, and the singer in a black Pope outfit. (I heard someone say that the singer couldn’t even see through his hood, and has spent every night on stage completely blind.) And so, they begin to play. Right away I could tell this music wasn’t quite my thing, but by no means *awful*, just….dreary. Then the growling started….and then the dramatic hand gestures. My friend began to laugh. So then I began to laugh. The band had completely lost me by about 30 seconds in. These guys take themselves SO SERIOUSLY that I am almost embarrassed for them. Then, after watching the singer chug water though his hood (evil needs refreshment!), and after noticing one of them was in fact wearing cargo pants, all I could think was ….really? This is supposed to intimidate me?

I spent most of their set staring at one guitarist whose outfit also involved an adorable noose around his neck. He had really long fingers and was a total pimp on his instrument. I theorized that he is probably quite hot in real life. But I guess I’ll never know…

I know, I know. “Elise…you just don’t get Portal.” Well, I’m sure I *get* them plenty. I’d just rather listen to something else. Now how ‘bout that new Triptykon album, eh?

-Elise