STRAIGHT OUTTA DETWAT: SEX AND THE CITY…FAR LESS PAINFUL THAN THIS SUMMER’S METAL TOURS, DESPITE BEING THE WORST IDEA EVER BROUGHT TO LIFE ON SCREEN

It’s the first week of June here in the suburbs of De-twat, yet it feels like late fucking July. My air conditioning is running, there’s sweat between my boobs, and bugs are slowly making their way into my bedroom via some godforsaken hole I’ll never be able to find. I wish this shit would have held off a couple more months. But it hasn’t. And neither has my utter disdain for this Summers metal tour line-ups. Do you guys remember when Ozzfest was fun, then got gay? I SO looked forward to that tour. I didn’t give a fuck who played. Summer festivals are a time to enjoy the weather, get drunk for 14 hours with complete strangers, and hopefully hear good music while doing so. I STILL look forward to Summer tours, but this year…WHAT GIVES? OH. MY. CHRIST. The line-ups are a goddamn joke. As a matter of fact, if Mayhem Fest came out the day before the tour started and said, “Surprise! That previous line-up was a big ol’ funny, here’s the real deal!” I would be relieved. On that note, here is a run down of this Summer’s tours with commentary on just how much I think they suck.

Mayhem Fest: You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. No, really, please…tell me you’re kidding. I couldn’t have thought of a worse line-up even if someone was pointing a gun at my skull and tried to make me. Why any living person on the earth would pay money to go to this is beyond me. Here’s some things you should do instead with your $36.50:

-Buy a bunch of M-80’s, light them on fire and sit on them, as it will give you the same effect of seeing Five Finger Death Punch on stage.
-Donate it to Jamey Jasta’s fund for a prosthetic thumb.
-Go buy 2 Adema CD’s to remind yourself the other awful things the Davis family has brought us.
-Go buy a bag of weed, and smoke said weed to forget the fact that last year, Slayer headlined this tour, and this year, Rob Zombie will.
-Burn it. All of it. Melt the fucking $.50, too.


#hornFAIL


Ozzfest: Somehow, Ozzfest, which has presumably had the most hilarious groups of bands playing just before its demise, has once again risen and I have to say, has the most killer line-up out of this entire list. But of course, only a handful of us will be able to enjoy it. Why? Because Ozzy and Mick Mars are too fucking old and decrepit to do more than 6 dates without collapsing of some sort of old person ailment. Did I mention there are also numerous DAYS in between 5 of the 6 dates? Ugh…oldppl. For those are you lucky enough to see the likes of DevilDriver, Skeletonwitch, Goatwhore and Rob Halford…fuck you. If for some reason you live within 4 hours of any of the dates and you’re NOT at the show, these are the only acceptable things you should be doing:

-Having sex with a porn star for 24 straight hours before, and after said show.
-Meeting with financial advisors who are showing you how to maximize the 10 million dollars you just won at the casino, while getting blown by a porn star.
-Getting married…to a porn star.
-Slaying a dragon on the top of a firey mountain in order to save a favorite porn star.
-Reading every single post every written on ReignInBlonde.com while beating off to a video of your favorite porn star.


Left: Jenna Jameson. Right: Paris Hilton after sucking off most of the West Coast. #srsly


The Cool Tour: First of all, let me say that this is the weakest tour name EVAR. Seriously. Give it just a LITTLE more effort to just TRY and make up for the fact that the line-up is a fucking snoozefest. HEY. That’s a PERFECT NAME. Snoozefest 2010. Just take the name, I won’t even charge. Or maybe even the Let’s Pretend This Is Not A Total Bible-Thumping Tour 2010. That could work out pretty well too. Things I recommend bringing to this show if that youth group your parents made you join decides to take a field trip:

-A pillow to rest your head on during As I Lay Dying.
-Ear plugs for the 10 minute rant about Jesus Christ that Underoath will make mid-set.
-A picture of Justin Bieber for BlessTheFall so their barber can get that front swoop juuust right next time.
-A “Wishing You All The Best During This Difficult Time” card for Cancer Bats, written with your sincerest apologies and kind words to read while they have to endure the rest of this tour with War Of Ages.


Summer Slaughter Tour: Ugh. This show DOES have a handful of bands I like, but the overall line-up is too “meh” to pay for. I just don’t see this as being something to jump up and down about. Plus, I’ve been forced to see Veil Of Maya about 900 times since November since they have somehow been booked on every tour known to man. There is absolutely no way I feel like rolling my eyes through yet ANOTHER one of their sets. I have an idea: create a petition to replace Veil of Maya with Ke$ha. Reasons why this would be 100% awesome:

-Ke$ha is infinitely more entertaining then Veil of Maya due to her lack of cleanliness for a lady and the fact that it looks like she smears wet garbage on her chest before every show.
-Hardcore dancers will be huddled together chain smoking while everyone else can secretly sing along while she performs “Tik Tok”. Point being: 35 minutes of hardcore dancer free time. Period.
-Having fans mistake Ke$ha for Bill Robinson of Decrepit Birth would be priceless to witness.
-Ke$ha will have a rider filled with booze and a larger budget then every band on the tour combined. Plus, she’s a slut. Put to two together…it’s a win-win situation for anyone desperate and broke.


I wasn’t even lying.


Uproar Tour: *sigh* The clan at Rockstar Energy must be doing an experiment. Because it really seems to me that they might actually be trying to kill us with terrible music AND over doses of taurine. Disturbed? Avenged Sevenfold? I would rather lick subway pavement that a bum just pissed on. There is absolutely no reason in the entire world anyone should ever go to this show. Ever. This is not a joke. If you attend Uproar Tour, you have failed at life, and should not be reading this website. Here is a list of companies and the potential name for this same tour if they were to sponsor it, including much more fitting products that appeal to said demographic:

-The Pinkberry ‘Not Quite Cold As Ice, But Close’ Tour
-Splash & Churn Tour sponsored by the Dunkin Donuts Dunkachino
-Kleenex with aloe Soft and Stuffy Tour
-If You Can Draw It With Gold Foil, We’ll Print It On A Shirt Tour sponsored by Ed Hardy


Thrash & Burn Tour: Oh YAY, Kittie on another totally random tour. Who does their booking? How much are they hurting for money? Why am I still talking about Kittie?! Anyway, Thrash & Burn was THE SHIT last year. I’d have to say it was one of my favorite shows of the Summer to attend. This years line-up: G-A-R-B-A-G-E. Utter gar-bage. Kittie is the biggest band on this tour, (which is an indication of this year’s quality/budget), and the co-headliners are Born Of Osiris (plz stop touring) and Asking Alexandria (who?!). Other acts include: Chelsea Grin, Stick To Your Guns (zomg neon t-shirts), and the ONLY good band on this tour - hands down - Periphery. Why in gods name Periphery is on this shit fart of a tour is beyond me. Things I would rather watch then 90% of the bands at this show:

-The Gulf Coast get destroyed by BP.
-Two transsexual midgets jack each other off with sand paper.
-Lady Gaga covering a Deftones song.
-Fred Durst signing a record deal for another 5 albums with Limp Bizkit.
-The Bible Network for a week straight.


The background of Thrash & Burn 2010’s tour poster.


When I re-read this, I literally hung my head in disappointment when seeing all the bands that will disgrace our ears (and eyes) this season. Anything I forgot? Think I was a bit to harsh? Have a bunch of sand in your vaginas? Leave me your thoughts below. In the meantime, I’m going to go buy some Immodium because you would be seriously concerned if you saw what has been coming out of my ass today.

-A.Gossowski