STRAIGHT OUTTA DETWAT: CASIO….FUELING CHICK METAL BANDS SINCE 1995

Why do the assholes in the world seem to find the most perfect material to fuel their hatred? How many terrible chick bands will just fall into my lap, just BEGGING for me to taunt them? I almost feel bad for making fun of chicks as much as I do. Almost. Curious as to what I have stumbled upon? Well, here we go:

Indica; a self-proclaimed “all-girl” (not women, apparently) group from Finland. *sigh*


We still know that’s you under that red wig, Jennifer Love Hewitt. Those birthing hips are impossible to hide. #srsly

I happened to stumble upon an ad for their new album in this month’s Metal Hammer, which I pay far too much for and gain very little from. Of course, I was quick to judge, but promptly shot down my normal rolling of the eyes, sat down, and checked out this Hot Topic-looking band of broads up on the internets. I’m not exactly sure where they have gotten their “metal” influences from, but ladies…Evanescence doesn’t count. Sorry. I’m not saying they are bad musicians, because anyone that’s classically trained on violin, keyboards, guitar, and the odd man out - the theremin - is clearly a decent talent. But for these ladies…that doesn’t really shine through. And by “doesn’t really shine through”, I mean “they are like a kiddy goth version of Ace of Base”. I’m sure almost any man would lay pipe to every single one of these ladies, but try and take their music seriously…well…that’s gonna take a lot of booze. Apparently Indica have been around since 2001 and found a fair amount of success in Finland since 2003. So did TaTu, Aqua, those assholes that made “The Macarena”, and any other band whose English sounds hilarious in 99% of their songs.


We’ve sold more singles than most of your favorite metal bands combined. Think about that for a second.

What’s even better is upon doing a search via Google for “bands similar to ace of base” (and finding a Yahoo! Question titled: Is there is a band like Ace of Base but NOT GAY!!?) I came across another gem, For Selena and Sin; a female-fronted band from, SHOCKER!, Finland.



The amount of synthesizers used in a majority of their songs is outrageous, which makes them all the more hilarious. And the 80’s hair metal riff 2:50 into the song Psycho Lover (srsly), really makes me wonder if they got their decades mixed up. Their music is far more entertaining then Indica, but I am not even close to saying they are “good”. I seriously think the lead singer was aiming to be the next pop sensation but Doda just happened to steal her spotlight. That, or Avril Lavigne wrote all of the lyrical content. Either way, if you’re having a bad day and need a chuckle, give them a listen.




SEGWAY!


I just want to clarify that I do not hate all female bands, just ones that suck. I mean, let’s look at the obvious here: Landmine Marathon has one HELL of a lady, Grace Perry, fronting their band. Not only do her vocals scare me, but her outlook on life and political views makes for an intense, strong stance within the band’s lyrics. Plus, that entire band makes me feel warm and fuzzy. No, really, we drank whiskey together. Warm and fuzzy comes with the territory.

Also, look at Made Out Of Babies. The name: hilarious. The music: undeniably unique and full of gut-wrenching passion. The lead singer: Julie Christmas, one totally weird ass broad. No, really, she’s one odd cookie. It adds up though: Julie studied at Juilliard before she realized she didn’t want to be around a bunch of stuck-up know-it-all musicians. I’m not saying that makes her band good, but if I’m going to respect someone’s musical intelligence, it’s certainly going to be a person who has studied at Juilliard over someone who is named after a German car company. But honestly, if her talent is recognized by such a prestigious school, we can’t deny that if anyone can do something that would break the mold, it would be her.

And hey, who could forget about Ludicra, yet another band doing something DIFFERENT. With a package like this, the two women in the group aren’t forcibly focused on. They are seen as a UNIT. Which is how a band SHOULD BE. They take the “gender” out of the music. Something very difficult to do. It’s so easy to just sell records off the fact that you have women in the band. Ludicra doesn’t do that. And unlike the Finnish bands above who all sound exactly the same, these three bands are introducing something new to a genre that desperately needs it. There is legitimate SUBSTANCE within the lyrics and instrumentation, not just a “pop star” with a band backing her like In This Moment or Leaves’ Eyes, as my dear friend Elise has pointed out.

I know I have previously bashed Angela Gossow for ragging on “The Hottest Chicks In Metal”, and I still stand by my point of view 100%. What I am saying here is that although it is difficult to separate gender and music, it’s also not a bad thing to play into; AS LONG AS YOUR MUSIC IS GOOD. Grace Perry garnished the cover of last year’s HCIM issue, and she did so because she knows her band is talented and can back up these claims. When Landmine Marathon came out, the publicity wasn’t focused on Grace, it was focused on the band and the music. It always has and it always will be. Grace is a member of the band that just happened to get attention for being attractive. Fuck yes for good genes. None of the women in any of these bands are out there taking solo photos of themselves spread eagle in a cheesy outfit to sell records. But if they did, then good for them (minus the cheesy outfit)! They are all in fantastic bands making music going against the grain (which hurts when you shave your vagina), and in the end that’s all that matters. If being a chick in a band is all you’ve got going for you, and the only tool you have to propel your band is your looks, then that’s where I find a problem. Its not about music, its about singling yourself out for your own personal gain, which is fucking lame. If that’s the case, just go solo. Don’t bring 4 other people along with you to make it seem like you have some kind of credibility. Srsly.

So…besides my rant on the bands I like, there are way too many female bands that I hate. Oh my god, please do something NEW. I mean…some of you do something new. I gotta have material to make fun of, after all. Throw away your Casio keyboard, stop wearing dresses that make you look like a 6 year old, and read some books/the news to get some inspiration. Or just choose a new career path altogether. I heard Vivid Entertainment is looking for some new “actresses”. What do you guys think? What other bands containing chicks do you find to be a total jokefest (besides Kittie)? How many times did I contradict myself in this piece? Does Cayenne pepper keep earwigs from sneaking into your place of residence? Give me a piece of your mind in the comments below. I’m curious to see how many angsty 16 year old girls and insecure adult women get pissed at me for this. Check ya later, my ninjahs.

-A.Gossowski