Oh hai, 2011. You crept up fast. This year was…interesting. Metalwise, there were some great albums, but honestly, not enough for me to make a full top 10. Listen, I can hear you bitching right now. Stop it. Shut-up. Why do I only have 7 albums? Well it’s not because I don’t believe there were 10 great albums this year, it’s the fact that I just didn’t get to listen to every fucking thing that was released. I don’t got that kinda time. Do you want me to make shit up and pretend I listened to something to complete the list? That would be shitty of you. You must be a lying sack of shit. You get a lump of coal and a wicked case of Syphilis courtesy of Saint Nick himself. Anyway, here is my list, in no particular order (but there probably is so just take a guess I suppose).
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Yeah, I know, the photo is old. Spare me.
Warped Tour has come and gone. Personally, I could care less. There were about 4-5 bands out of 60 that appealed to me. Congratulations to those few bands. While I was there (and not in the bathroom shitting every 5 minutes) I had the pleasure of meeting a fantastic band. Their name is IWRESTLEDABEARONCE, have you guys heard of them? Well Krysta, Kristen, Christine, whatever her name was at the time of our interview, was kind enough to sit down with me in the scorching heat and talk all things Kevin Bacon, Korn (srsly) and her band’s plans for the rest of 2010. Just an FYI: she fucking rules.
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Why do the assholes in the world seem to find the most perfect material to fuel their hatred? How many terrible chick bands will just fall into my lap, just BEGGING for me to taunt them? I almost feel bad for making fun of chicks as much as I do. Almost. Curious as to what I have stumbled upon? Well, here we go:
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Well y’all, 2010 is half over, and we gals figured, why wait until the end of the year to make a list that you can all rip us apart on? So we all got together and made our own lists of top 3 albums that we’ve been diggin’ so far in 2010. Not surprisingly, we all chose different stuff. Think you know what we like? Check ‘em out below, and then proceed to tell us how ‘gheey’ we are in the comments.
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It’s the first week of June here in the suburbs of De-twat, yet it feels like late fucking July. My air conditioning is running, there’s sweat between my boobs, and bugs are slowly making their way into my bedroom via some godforsaken hole I’ll never be able to find. I wish this shit would have held off a couple more months. But it hasn’t. And neither has my utter disdain for this Summers metal tour line-ups. Do you guys remember when Ozzfest was fun, then got gay? I SO looked forward to that tour. I didn’t give a fuck who played. Summer festivals are a time to enjoy the weather, get drunk for 14 hours with complete strangers, and hopefully hear good music while doing so. I STILL look forward to Summer tours, but this year…WHAT GIVES? OH. MY. CHRIST. The line-ups are a goddamn joke. As a matter of fact, if Mayhem Fest came out the day before the tour started and said, “Surprise! That previous line-up was a big ol’ funny, here’s the real deal!” I would be relieved. On that note, here is a run down of this Summer’s tours with commentary on just how much I think they suck.
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Hey, you guys remember when I went to Scion Fest and I woke up topless? Well believe it or not, I went there with a purpose OTHER THAN drinking and making an ass of myself. I went there to interview Landmine Marathon! And I DID! Except there was a little mishap, and to save time typing (which means more time later for drinking) a couple things went wrong and the interview had to be redone. So here we are, a couple months later and finally getting to posting this. Thank a lot to these guys and gals for keeping it real, educated, and all around metal. Below is a rendition of our chat…redone…via email. Enjoy.
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Originality is a bitch these days. Movies, television, music, you name it; everyone is “borrowing” from someone or something else. But then again, this is coming from someone who just makes fun of peoples’ careers all day. So pretty much I am a giant hypocrite with a wealth of followers. That makes no money by doing so. PLEASE PAY US. I PROMISE TO MAKE YOUR DICK BIGGER. What were we talking about again? OH YEAH. MUSIC.
Lets try a little excersise. If you just recently purchased a new puppy, what would you call it, and how would you go about picking the name? If you watch cartoons, and you name it Brian, then you should probably shove a pistol down your throat. If not, then you’re in the clear. That’s a metaphor of how I usually feel about bands who steal their names from other bands songs. I mean, seriously…you bands can’t think of ONE thing that’s NOT from something everyone else already knows? You suck at life. I’ve met retards with more originality. Look at Lady Gaga. Or Al Gore.
When I was compiling this list, I noticed a trend that you kids didn’t get to see. Most of my list was cut due to the fact that a majority of the bands who have stolen their names are wastes of space, time, and money. And they are also screamo, deathcore, or one of those other microgenre’s that escapes me at the moment. So overall, completely dreadful.
This intro is way to long, so lets just get into this shit. I’d like to take the time and either build up or tear down the groups who have decided to make a living through names they have taken from another bands song. I was kind enough to invite some of metal bloggings finest writers to contribute, so make sure to remember: if something isn’t funny, it most certainly wasn’t written by me. #srsly
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Dude. Instead of beating around the bush, I‘m just getting right into it: Avalanche of Worms is a goddamn masterpiece. I’m pretty terrible at giving technical reviews of anything, mostly because my ability to use big words has been eliminated due to the copious amount of drugs I have done over the years. So this is just a rough round-up of my feelings/thoughts on the album.
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