THE MOST AMAZING BEARD OF ALL TIME

Hey, it’s the weekend! If you’ve had a long week, this’ll give you a chuckle. If not, it’s still pretty good. And no, I’m not attracted to that- there IS such a thing as too much beard. Be brutal kids, party on.

-Julia

PHISH PHUCKIN PHISH

Dude, bro. Sorry I’ve been so MIA, RiB readers. As previously mentioned, I’ve been forced to listen to some pretty not brutal music as of late, and this past week was another great(?) example of how much of a chick I am. The Beardo took me to not one, but THREE Phish shows. Twas an interesting experience, I’ll give you that. It’s been a while since I’ve seen the light from underneath the metal rock, but now that I’ve returned, I bring you my observations of the other side.

• First of all, “set break” to a metal head and “set break” to a Phish Phan are two entirely different concepts. We like to straight rage, so a set break to us means the time it takes to set up the drum kit for the next band- NOT 45 MINUTES OF DOOBIE INHALATION.
• We don’t dance around like we’re at the original Woodstock. A polite head bob can suffice.
• Two words: GLOW STICKS. Thousands and thousands of glow sticks, flying through the air, hitting me in the face. If we’re gonna throw shit… it’s fists. And maybe a person or two.

But, since there is a possibility that some people enjoy both metal and Phish (and would be reading RiB), I will say this: I went to the night in Syracuse, and both nights in Albany. I may be biased, but the Syracuse show was the best and included the most “metal” song in Phish’s repertoire, “Big Black Furry Creature From Mars” also affectionately noted as BBFCFM.

When I get home from work, what do I do?
I try to kill you
When I get home from work, what do I do?
I try to kill you

And why would I try to kill you?

Because you’re a
Big black furry creature from Mars
Big black furry creature from Mars
Big black furry creature from Mars
Big black furry creature from Mars

Never fear friends, I’m getting my revenge soon enough: GWAR in NYC on the 13th. Some REAL creatures from outerspace!

-Julia

REIGN IN BLOOD. DOWN UNDER.

Oh, I’m sorry. Good morning, all. Luckily for you, this report isn’t as gross as the title eludes to. But I got you to wake up, didn’t I?

Slayer will be performing Reign in Blood from start to finish. AWESOME. Not so awesome? They’re doing it in AUSTRAILIA of all places. Dude, none of you are Austrailian, and we Americans (and blondes and non-blondes) love you. Do it HERE. And by here, I mean New York, NY, USA.

Maybe Elise and I can use our girly charm to convince one of our fave bald-headed beardos, Kerry King to change their plans. What do you say, boys? You’ve spent 20 years reigning in blood. It’s time for you to reign in blonde.

Call us.

-Julia

TOP 5 CELEBRITIES THAT SHOULD BE METALHEADS

Ever meet someone new and think to yourself “God, this person is so awesome/chill/hot, but… if only they were into metal. Then they’d be perfect!”? I know that this happens to me quite a bit, especially when I meet you dudes. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve met great guys- tall, bearded, mysterious… and then they say “I’m really into trance!” and the fire dies faster than Herman Li can shred.

It’s not that I only like people that love metal as much as I do, but more so that some people would be so much BETTER if they did. Amongst the day to day regular people that fall into this category, the rich and famous are no exception, and so I present to you my Top 5 celebs that would be so much better if they just gave Slayer a chance:

5. Former Miss California USA Carrie Prejean- Most people hate her because of what she said at the Miss USA pageant earlier this year. I say, she’s already got the balls to say whatever the eff she wants without worrying about offending people and that’s pretty metal. Like many metal bands, she’s from California, and like Elise and I, she’s blonde. I bet you that if she had a little more Judas Priest in her life, she might get over not liking the gays while becoming more brutal at the same time.

4. Late infomercial master Billy Mays- …what, too soon? This one is plain and simple. The dude already knows knew how to yell, and uh… He’s Billy Mays, the infomercial guy. He did cocAAAine…

3. Supermodel/TV host Heidi Klum- Another blonde, so she could roll with RiB. Plus, she’s German so she could get along with all the European metal bands and be BFFs with Rammstein and Angela Gossow. AND to give her some street cred so to speak, she quasi-recently got some ink (seen above) which is brutal two-fold because A) It’s on her forearm for everyone to see and B) She’s a supermodel with a tattoo, which goes against what commercial modeling stands for. What a rebel. Get it, Heidi. And come on now, how long until she challenges her Project Runway contestants to make an outfit using only “special leathaaaaah”

2. Game show host and Rhodes Scholar Alex Trebek- Jeopardy! is one of my FAVE shows, and if you’ve been watching as well, you’ll know that Alex Trebek isn’t just a smartypants, but lately he’s been pretty sharp with the tongue as well. He makes fun of contestants just about as much as MetalSucks makes fun of… well, everyone. Does hurting people’s feelings make someone metal? Well, no, but a wise woman (and coincidentally my blog partner) once told me “You just need to realize that you’re better than everyone else. It’ll change your life.” Well, Alex knows he better than everyone else, thus not caring what other people think, thus making him more apt to be metal.

1. Talk show host/Author/Comedienne Chelsea Handler- Homegirl is on the path to metal destruction, but the only thing she’s missing is, uh… the metal. Why she isn’t a headbanger is beyond me. Like our buddy Alex, she’s not afraid to make fun of anyone, friend or foe. She can drink you under the table. She’ll love you and leave you. She’s a half-Jew from New Jersey, and she has her own Mexican little person sidekick. Metalheads LOVE cynicism, booze, sex, dirt (yes, I’m talking to you NJ) and midgets

And midgets love metal.

-Julia

Dear Mark Morton,

Elise has brought the reality of the situation to my attention. I can no longer bear the burden of having to deal with this emotional roller coaster you’ve put me on. My heart is not a plaything you can pick up and throw around every time LoG puts out an amazing album. 

It’s not me, it’s you. I’ve put my heart out on the line, only to get nothing in return. First you schedule your NY shows when I’m out of the country, and now this? I will always love you and your beard, but I think I need to explore other options.

<3 Julia