MILF METAL?

While bands like Skeletonwitch get to giggle over the thought of tween star Demi Lovato using their music to work on her fitness, others are getting a slightly shorter end of the stick.  Others like…Horse the Band, or IWRESTLEDABEARONCE.

I took this info from a message board for “Twitter Moms.”  It was posted in late 2008, but since I assume most of you aren’t….uhhh, moms, I’m guessing you might not have heard about this.  The original post reads as such:

• I’ve created a metal group here on Twittermoms, for all the moms who love heavy metal and or harder music, trouble is, I need 10+ people who are likewise as crazy about metal as I to join to get my group approved, so my question is…… Is there any other metal lovin’ mama’s here on Twittermoms?

Scroll down in the replies and you’ll see that the mommiez get into some band talk.  It’s kind of adorable.  I can’t seem to find the actual group, though.  Maybe they couldn’t gather up enough people, after all.

Well, they’re no Disney stars, but I suppose they are breeding the next generation of tween metal.  YAY!

-Elise

HORSE THE BAND LOVE THEIR PLAY TIME

Incase I haven’t made it crystal clear before, I am totally gay for Horse the Band.  Their new album, Desperate Living, which came out yesterday (and is also streaming on MetalSucks) makes me feel happy like rainbows and bunny rabbits.  I’m like a little kid dancin’ in my chair right now just thinking about it.

So in an attempt to cyber-flirt with me or something, the band announced on their blog that they are going to leave copies of their new album in random locations at stops along their US tour.   A scavenger hunt, if you will.  First stop:  Houston:

I-10 exit 747B Cracker Barrel parking lot. In the long grass directly past this pictured anthill I accidentally fucking stepped on :((((( now there are 1,000,000 ants in my shoe and they bit me foot.

OHMYGAHHH it’s like 3rd grade recess.  I wonder where they’ll hide it when they stop in New York in December.  In the Columbus Circle fountain?  In the Naked Cowboy’s undies?  Inside a Shake Shack burger?  Wherever it’ll be, it’s on you jerks.

Oh HtB <3.  You’re just a bunch of big ol’ kids and I love it.  Come play with meeee!  I’ll make cookies.

-Elise

I DO NOT WISH TO ESCAPE CONSENSUAL RELATIONS WITH HORSE THE BAND

Ever since last week, I keep heading on over to Lambgoat to listen to the new Horse the Band song, “Rape Escape.”  I really really really really like it, but it actually seems a lot darker than most of the stuff they’ve done in the past.  At first I thought…are HtB a serious band, now?  This is nothing like their Pizza EP, and they definitely don’t have scissors on their fucking heads anymore.  Then you reach the Piano Concierto at the end of the song, and once again remember you’re listening to something called “Rape Escape,” and you think…those little stinkers.

I want a new music video and I want it now.

-Elise

WHERE’S OZZY WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

Last night I got attacked by a bat. I’m serious. Good thing I have two killer cats at home and they eventually took care of it, but it was scary. EVEN METALHEADS GET SCARED SOMETIMES.

But it got me thinking. There are quite a few animal references in metal, but does anyone else think that it’s kinda weird that there aren’t more bat references? They are pretty dark and evil and shit. Elise and I saw Cancer Bats last summer, but whatever happened to them? Other breeds in the animal kingdom have been represented one way or another. I mean, there’s Lamb of God, Pig Destroyer, Goatwhore, Cattle Decapitation, I Wrestled A Bear Once, Horse the Band… PLUS so many bands now-a-days are big animal rights activists…

What am I getting at? METALHEADS LOVE ANIMALS :) Yet another reason we’re the coolest people ever.

-Julia

Everyone’s a Comedian, Part 2.

Continuing on with my overview of today’s most notably brutal & funny….

4. HORSE the Band

HTB’s album R. Borlax came out while I was in college.  “Cutsman” was a total dorm fav.  NINTENDOCORE??!!!  LOL NO WAYYYY.  I mean, it makes sense.  Nerdy hardcore/metal kids like video games….why not combine the two?  Everyone needs a shtick.  The result: magnificent.  After 2005’s The Mechanical Hand, and their Pizza EP that came out in 2006 (which I named my favorite ‘Food-Themed EP’ of that year in my college newspaper), I really thought this band was on a roll.  But after 2007’s A Natural Death, it looked like they were starting to lose steam.  Is the joke getting old?  It sort of seems that way, but I can’t help but pull for these guys.  They have a new album coming out later this year, and they also have SCISSORS ON THEIR FUCKING HEADS.  VERDICT: YAY, THEY JUST NEED ANOTHER ‘HIT’ REEEEAL BAD. (See also: The Advantage, Powerglove, etc.)

5. Gods of Fire

We have now reached the ‘Let’s Promote My Friends’ portion of this post.  Gods of Fire are a Jew Metal band from New York who are determined to make Chanukah the most br00tal of all holidays.  Julia and I got to experience their magic first hand at last year’s Major League Dreidel surrounded by every ‘tribe’ member in the tri-state area.  The band is now recording an album which will be due out Chanukah 2009.  If you’ve never longed for metal versions of all of your Chanukah favorites like “I Have a Little Dreidel” or “Oh, Chanukah, Oh, Chanukah,” you will now.  VERDICT: MEL GIBSON WON’T LIKE THEM, BUT YOU SURE WILL.

6. Alestorm

“With the power of ale, he could not fail.”  Words to live by.  It sure seems like bands are trying to insert any possible descriptive word before ‘core’ or ‘metal,’ thus creating a whole entire new sub-genre.  Pirate metal seems to be one in the forefront these days.  More than anything else, this stuff really lays on the shtick: big hats, hooks for hands, WENCHES!, MEAD!, ARRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!  Alestorm’s singer happens to play the keytar, which only makes them more lovable.  But how long can this joke hold on for?  Is a good portion of Alestorm’s appeal in shock value alone?  Will they be out the door when the next nutty sub-genre rolls through?  Well, since their newest album, Black Sails At Midnight was just released last week, hopefully these silly Scots can hang on.  VERDICT: FUN, BUT THERE IS LOTS OF PRESSURE TO KEEP THINGS FRESH. (See also: Swashbuckle.)

-Elise

Stay tuned for Part 3…