THE RETURN OF… LUMINIS!!!

Oh, so you thought we forgot about our good old pals Luminis? THE BEST “European” Female-Fronted-Metal-Cover Band to EVER come out of NEW JERSEY?!?! Alas, they are alive and hanging on for dear life around. Just when they couldn’t get any er, better?, the have hit us with a curveball:

Just a cover band? NO MORE! Luminis has gotten around to writing some shit of their own. Behold the first sampling (seen above) “Into My Sin”

For those of you just jumping on the Luminis band wagon, observe. Soak it all in. Check out their MySpace and their official site. You know where to leave your thoughts… 

-Julia

RiB’S METAL MENORAH: NIGHT 3

Shalom metaloids! Tis the season and since between the two of us we have 1.5 Jews we decided to put together a little something for (C)Hanukkah. This is Reign in Blonde’s Metal Menorah, and every night we’re lighting a candle in honor of someone who deserves some recognition. So grab your lighters Jews and Gent(ile)s, it’s Metal Menorah time! Tonight’s Honoree…

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THEY’RE BAAAAAAACK

Remember our favorite femme metal tribute band??  They finally found new members!  Soon enough, they’ll be rockin’ a Jersey bar near you.  They have some new demos up on their MySpace which sound about as good as those karaoke booths at Six Flags.  Is it just me, or is that chick always a beat or two behind?  Not that it matters.  Also, the NO’s on that Epica cover are dipped in comedy gold.  Luminis…psh.  They should change their name to LOLZ.

Here’s a new video they posted from an acoustic show they did this past July:

Don’t you wish those people in the background would quiet down??  How rude!

Anyway, Julia and I are now holding auditions for our Luminis tribute band.  Hit us up if you’re interested.

-Elise

TOP 5 CHICK METAL BANDS I JUST CAN’T GET INTO

It’s been brought to my attention that I’m getting a reputation for being that “metal chick” who’s into chick metal bands. Well, I say enough is enough! Damnit, I don’t just like any band with a vagina (or two), in fact there are plenty that I can’t stand. Thus, here are the ones that made the cut for NOT making the cut. In my book anyway:

5. Otep- Ok, I realize I may lose some points on this one, but here’s the thing. Yeah, vocally she’s pretty good, and the dudes in the band aren’t bad either. BUT,  I HATE politics (either side of the spectrum) in entertainment. I can stomach subtlety, but every single effing song is about how much she hates Dubya, and whether you hate him or love him it gets OLD. Now that he’s gone, I wonder what she’ll write about.

4. Halestorm- Just… ehhhh. Am I missing something about them? Just to me they just seem like one step up from Paramore. If I’m missing something here, let me know? Eh, fuck it, I don’t care that much.

3. Made Out of Babies- With a name like Julie Christmas, how can I not like you? I don’t know- but I don’t, sorry. I have a lot of their music (thanks, college radio!) and I’ve given it a fair chance. The Ruiner was so well-reviewed, but I just can’t figure out why. Wacky time signatures is one thing, but to me this is just wacky.

2. Luminis- Oh, I couldn’t resist. You didn’t think I’d leave out our favorite tone-deaf NJ Euro femme metal cover band, did you?

1. Leaves’ Eyes- How can a band so similar to Nightwish, be so painfully awfully different at the same time? If you took Nightwish (the Tarja years) a collector’s set of Magic cards, some Harry Potter books, and one of Cristina Scabbia’s old kimonos and put em together- KAZAAM! You’d get Leaves Eyes’. The nerdiest of nerd metal there is. This is one time being a blonde in metal gets you NOWHERE.

-Julia

BEHOLD, THE WORST BAND EVER

Hi-ho, RiB here.  It’s around 2 am on a Saturday night, and we’re having a super sexy sleepover.  We just finished our pillow fight…guess who won??  Now we’re sitting around in our undies, and eating s’mores…SHIRTLESS.  YEAH….

Anywho, while snoopin’ the interwebs tonight, we happened to stumble upon an ad on SkullsnBones for a band seeking a new bassist and drummer.  ”We are the tribute to European femme metal.” Whoa whoa whoa!  We just had to check this shit out….

Their name is Luminis, they’re from Rahway, NJ….and they really like chick metal.  Seriously.  Julia is not even into chick metal this much.  They pay tribute to the likes of Epica, Nightwish, Leaves’ Eyes, Evanescence, and Cradle of Filth.  Oh jeez.  “LUMINIS is comprised of heavy gothic based music, melodic vocals, death grunts, and energizing stage presence.” Ladies and gentlemen, the two most beautiful words in the English language…?  Not ‘cellar door!’  DEATH GRUNTS.

It’s even worse than you’d think.  After listening to a few samples on their MySpace, and peeping a few Youtube videos, laughter has consumed us.  First off, the singer is not even hot.  Everyone knows that when starting a chick band (even if your band sucks), you have to at least hire a hot frontwoman.  She looks like Mia Tyler in Hot Topic striped arms warmers.  (Nice graveyard photo shoot, btw.)  Second, her voice is pretty reminiscent of those rejects on the American Idol audition episodes.  (Simon could not be reached for comment.)  Doesn’t it sound like she has something in her mouth??  There is now temptation to make a dirty joke, but we have enough confidence in all of you to write your own.

Ok, so the singer sucks, but the rest of the band is good…right?  NO.  The keyboards sound awful, the guitarist doesn’t play anything correctly, and the drummer could take a few tips from Animal.  NO WAY, THEY’RE UNSIGNED????  HOW CAN THIS BE!!!!!!

Although, kudos on having a legit logo.  We don’t even have one of those.  (All inquiries can be sent to reigninblonde@gmail.com.)  And check out their MySpace album of ‘fan’ Photoshop art.  A little wishful thinking…perhaps?

Dear Luminis, good luck finding your new members.  We can’t imagine it will be too difficult.  You guys totally rock.  Hopefully you can make it across those Fjords of New Jersey one day and play in New York.  We’ll be the people who are not your Mom or brother.

Cheers,

J&E