IS THIS MIKE PATTON IMPRESSION AS ‘AMAZING’ AS IT CLAIMS?

The voice, the eyebrow movements, the shrugging, the facial hair…it’s all there. And this guy so accurately depicts Mike Patton as a slight dick. Pretty understandable, though. Let’s face it: Patton has a lot of idiot fans. ::Looks at self:: But hey, we’re at least better than the Dimebag dumdums. High five!

-Elise

I CARE A LOT: MY WEEKEND WITH FAITH NO MORE

It still feels weird to say it, but… I SAW FAITH NO MORE. Not even just that…I SAW FAITH NO MORE THREE TIMES.. A feat some might call crazy and obsessive, but the fact of the matter is that in terms of Faith No More fans, I am amongst the younger of the bunch. Angel Dust came out when I was seven, if that gives you any idea. So, I never even heard of them until towards the very end of their first run. I figured I’d never see them in a million years, but then I flipped a shit when rumors started spreading that they were reuniting back at the very end of 2008. (Yes, it was THAT long ago when all this started.) They played in London and the Download Festival that following June, and it was one big agonizing waiting game watching them schedule more dates all over Europe, South America, Australia and wherever the fuck else before they finally revealed they were doing US dates. I wanted to go to the San Francisco shows in April, but they were smack dab in the middle of the week, and uhhh….I have this thing called a JOB, so it really wasn’t going to work. But then the unthinkable happened: July 5th at the Williamsburg Waterfront. I got my ticket the second the presale opened. But then the EVEN MORE unthinkable happened: two more dates. One more at the Williamsburg Waterfront on July 2nd, and one in Philadelphia on July 3rd. Three show all right here in the Northeast. Two of which I did not even have to leave the city I live in to get to. I knew I had to go to all of them. This was never going to happen again.

And so, I did go to all of them. So now I invite you to read all about how I spent my Independence Day weekend with my favorite band in the entire world. I don’t really feel much like writing a long, drawn out essay on each show, so a lot of this will be whatever random thoughts popped in my head throughout each evening. Ready? Let’s begin:

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METAL’S GOT A HANDLE ON THEIR SCANDAL (EXCEPT FOR YOU, KRISTEN RANDALL)

(Note: WHAT A RHYME. I should’ve been a rapper… anyway, read on)

As always, Hollywood is full of “scandalous” news involving sex tapes and private pictures that were purposely leaked never meant to hit the internet. HOW DEVASTATING. It tends to be celebrities that you don’t expect it as much from, and when Paramore’s lead wench Hayley Williams had some topless photos hit the web, it occurred to me that these kinds of stories never really get to the metal-sphere (aside from Howard Jones’ recent pregnant porn star hoopla).

I think it’s mainly because we’d expect this from most women in metal and therefore, no one would think it was that big of a deal. At the same time though, I find it a little odd that we’ve never the seen racks or pikachu’s of people like Maria Brink, Marta, Grace Perry, Alissa White-Gluz, or hell, even Liv Kristine (you know those WoW nerds are mad freaky). For now, I guess we’ll just leave the nudity to Mike Patton?

-Julia

MIKE-PATTON-IN-A-SUIT

Since I threatened all of your lives yesterday with my absolutely glowing review of the new Daughters album, I figured I’d take it easy today and present you all with a little eye candy. Mike Patton recently put out some new promo pics for the release of his newest project: Mondo Cane. 

Mondo Cane is Patton’s Italian orchestra/pop band. When I first heard it, I was pretty down on it, but the more I hear…the more I start to like it. Wait…I’m into a Mike Patton band???!?!?! Go figure. (Have a listen on MySpace if you’re not yet familiar.) I’m not even sure how I ever disliked it. I’m looking forward to hearing the album now, for sure. And now I wonder if this circus will actually tour. I mean, it’s a freaking ORCHESTRA. It’d be cool to go to a nice sit-down event like that. Wear a pretty dress and a monocle. Perhaps a hot date…

Anyway, check out the rest of the sexy pics over at Stubbadub. Patton might be a nut, but he sure does clean up nicely. He always has.

Mondo Cane’s album will be out May 4th.

-Elise

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MIKE PATTON!

Mike Patton: the man, the legend…turns 42 today.  Kinda makes ya wonder if he’s hit his Midlife Crisis yet.  Snort, snort.

Happy Birthday, Mikey!  See you in a few months, hopefully.

<3 Elise

MIKE PATTON PLAYS A WOOD BOX, WEARS A SWEATER

I read a few weeks ago on Stubbadub that Mike Patton had written a new “futuristic noise composition” that was to be performed for two dates only here in the U.S.  The catch?  Mikey won’t be the one performing it due to his FNM schedule.  No point in going, right?

Now there’s this new video of Patton recording some stuff for this project from a contraption called a intonarumori:  a noise making thing-a-ma-bobber from the WWII era that was used to mimic the sounds of machines.  Hmmm….at first I was thinking this was sort of useless, but I guess if you want to create these types of noises on a stage, a lawnmower might be slightly inappropriate.

Anyway, if you’re interested in seeing this live, there’s dates scheduled for both San Francisco and New York.  There will be works performed by a variety of noise composers.  Sounds like it would make me dizzy, but if any of you out there go, please let me know how it was.

-Elise

WE’VE BEEN PUT TO SHAME

Just when I thought Julia and I were the most boy-crazy-metal-dude-lovin’ chicks on the internet, I came across another blog called Dillinger’s Run which has a feature titled “Extreme Metal Hunks.”  Why am I bringing this to your attention?  Well, this blog just so happens to be written by a dude, an allegedly heterosexual dude who has let his boy crushes go as far as even planning dream dates with these guys.  Check out some of these excerpts:

Troy Sanders (Mastodon) - “…the two of you journey together discussing things such as anthropology and the latest Bruce Willis film, Surrogates - which you both agree did the job it set out to do and was enjoyable despite any complaints about the trailer giving away most of the film’s plot.”

Chris Barnes (Cannibal Corpse) - “He offers you weed…..Sure, you’re nervous at first but it all comes naturally. As you breath deeply you a great “power” fills you and the thought hits your head: this is a the dankest dope God could make.”

Nergal (Behemoth) - “He makes polite conversation about about the pricing of leathers now a days, you laugh at the ratio of his witty remarks against his broken english.”

Mike Patton (Faith No More, Fantomas, etc.) - “He tells you to meet him in the park - more like commands you to do so - and so you do……Yeah. You will get to fuck this guy later tonight.”

But of course, I only tease this guy because I think he is absolutely hilarious.  Keep up the good work, dude.  If you’re reading this, feel free to email me.  Perhaps you could help plan a date for my girl crush and I.

-Elise

NOBODY’S PERFECT

My drunken bar conversations are quickly becoming the best inspiration for my posts.  This weekend I presented the following question: “What was Mike Patton’s worst project?”  I immediately broke out into a fit of laughter when my beered-up counterpart quickly responded with the same exact answer I had in mind:  MALDOROR.

I honestly never even heard She until I was in college when I found a copy at a used CD sale and thought “Oh yeah, that Patton and Merzbow collabo…let’s give this a whirl.” Well, I sure wish I hadn’t.  Somehow, when two noise icons combine forces, it is pretty damn revolting.  The worst part, however, was the album art.  When you remove the disc, a picture of a hairy cartoon vagina is revealed.  Just another reason not to take it out of the case.

So where do the others fall?  Here’s my own personal breakdown of some of Patton’s most notable projects:

Cream of the crop:

• Faith No More
• Mr. Bungle
• Tomahawk
• Fantomas
• The Dillinger Escape Plan

Pretty damn good:

• Lovage
• General Patton vs. The X-Ecutioners

Just OK:

• Peeping Tom
• Solo stuff
• Kaada
• John Zorn

WTF:

• Maldoror
• Mondo Cane

That’s just one gal’s opinion.  Feel free to disagree.  What do you think Patton’s worst project was?

-Elise