MARCO HIETALA OF NIGHTWISH IS A GLEEK IN A BAD ROMANCE

I knew there had to be a reason why I read Anette Olzon’s blog other than to make fun of her funny accent. Recently, the Nightwish songstress (who is pregnant! Congrats, sistah girl!) posted some videos from a Finnish TV show called Kuorosota, an American Idol-type series in which Finnish celebrities lead teams of competing choirs. (I’m guessing it’s a call-in and vote sort of thing…) On the most recent season of the show, Anette’s bandmate, guitarist Marco Hietala, lead one such team to a second place finish.

Now, I wouldn’t really consider myself much of a Nightwish fan (and neither are most people I know), but holy shit…the performances on this show are so horrifically funny, I had to show you guys. Here’s the entire ensemble singing none other than Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance.” Marco’s part at the 1:05 mark gave me major lulz. And I don’t know who that chick is in the middle, but daaaamn did she mess up.

See more videos over on Anette’s blog.  I wish this show was in America so I could laugh at it. But not an American version. The broken English is too funny. They’d have to bring to Finnish singers over, and just use American celebrities to lead them. Who would you like to see do this? Metal celebrity, actor, reality star…doesn’t matter. I vote Robert Downey Jr.

-Elise

SWEET BABY JESUS. OR ROB HALFORD.

I’m not quite ready to get in the Xmas/Hanukkah spirit (helllooooo we haven’t even gotten to Halloween yet. Calm down people) but I seem to be the only one excited to hear about a forthcoming CHRISTMAS album from our favorite gay, Rob Halford. I’m also probably the only one in the metal community who enjoys the Twisted Sister AND the star-studded (get that pun? STUDDED? Ugh, eff you guys) We Wish You A Metal Xmas albums, but I digress.

Let the metal/homo-erotic puns commence. A “Little Drummer Boy” joke can go far I guess. Some other bands I wish would get on the holiday album party train? 

• Lamb of God. I mean, they are called LAMB OF GOD. Ain’t that what Christmas is all about? (Oh wait, it’s about Santa. My b)
• How about “Oh come all ye Mercyful FATEful”?
• “O Holy Nightwish”?
• And maybe Dio can reform Elf, just for the sake of a holiday album?

Before you know it, the holiday season will be upon us so all you metal bands should get crackin on them albums. In the meantime… I still need a Halloween costume. Any suggestions?

-Julia

THESE BLONDE BITCHEZ BE TRIPPIN’ Y’ALL

Can you people really blame me for the all femme metal bashing I do?  I’m convinced that so many of these chicks are out of their damn minds.  Especially the blonde ones.  I feel so…normal right now.

A couple weeks ago, Otep (bleh) got in this crazy online feud on The Gauntlet over health care reform.  I suppose it’s not totally out of character for her, but here are some other culprits:

Ohhhh yeah.  It is so on with me and this one again.  Why does it seem like every time I open my RSS, that Anette f’ing Olzon has put out yet another press release on whatever useless thought she’s having?  Hmmm….probably because that’s exactly what she does.  Ever since she launched her own website back in May, this shit has been CONSTANT.  First it was her singing technique, then she “indulged” us on her thoughts on Michael Jackson’s death, then she called us all a bunch of bullies, and now she’s all “Wahhhh I can make a solo record if I want to wahhhhhhh.”  (Yes, that is a direct quote.)  I like how she’s already apologizing for the album before it’s even made.  Moral of the story:  no one likes a whiner.  Then again, I’m whining right now.  Also, I’d probably have a lot less to talk about on here if it weren’t for her.  So uhhh….THANKS, ANETTE!  LOVE YOU, GIRLFRIEND <3

Read More

I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND MEN

[photo via.]

So I was reading this little diddy on how Tarja Turunen was voted the Sexiest Metal Singer, and for the most part, I agree with that.  THEN, I checked out the full results and it turns out you bastards voted Anette Olzon as #2. ARE YOU GUYS BLIND?  SERIOUSLY? You mean to tell me that ANETTE ‘JIGGLY ARMS’ OLZON is hotter than Cristina Scabbia and Simone Simons or ANYONE OTHER DAMN PERSON ON THAT LIST.  EWWWWWW  Give me the skanky vegan chick from The Agonist over her any day.

You are all dead to me right now.

-Elise

WARNING: THIS MAY INDUCE VOMITING

[via Blabbermouth.]

Why Anette Olzon’s other band never hit it big:

1. That name.
2. That logo.
3. That haircut.
4. THAT FACE. ::dry heaves::
5. That title.
6. That outfit.
7. They probably sucked, too.  Not that I’d bother listening to it….

EW.

-Elise

YOU’RE SO VAIN, ANETTE. I BET YOU THINK THIS POST IS ABOUT YOU.

Sometimes it feels like all I ever do is make fun of femme metal singers and the ugly crap that people wear.  Well, why should today be any different??  I got a two-for-one right here for ya.

Anette Olzon, the less-loved singer of Nightwish, recently launched her own website, separate from her band’s, since she’s totally not a prima donna like her predecessor or anything.  Anyway, it’s no secret that the chick is a terrible dresser and likes muumuus, but now she is bestowing her bad taste on us with these new t-shirts and accessories.  Why is it that some people think if you just throw pink or purple on something, that girls will like it?  GROSS

At first glance of that one t-shirt, I took a price of 199 to mean $199.  *GASP*  Is she out of her mind?? My dumbass self soon realized this is in another currency.  It’s in Swedish Kronas, which is equal to about $25.  So if you’re interested in wearing that oinker face between your boobs and paying for overseas shipping, I suppose this is somewhat within your price range.

-Elise

¡Ay Dios Mio!

Today was a great day in Viña del Mar for me and metal. I explored a little bit and came across a market where there were all kinds of vendors selling stuff. Mostly jewelry and souveneirs and suh, but there were two or three that were selling misc. band merch- and of course not just any bands, but METAL BANDS. A fine mix at that- Metallica, Iron Maiden, Cannibal Corpse, Opeth, Behemoth, even Nightwish (with Tarja and Anette)!

Now, I can speak enough Spanish to get me by, but I still get nervous about it and I was by myself. I finally got enough courage to talk to some people to investigate into the Metal situation in Chile. For whatever reason, one guy was trying to tell me about funk… but they told me that they really like Kittie, System of a Down, and Iron Maiden. It was kind of hard to communicate with them, but we both basically got the gist. At least it was good to practice my Spanish. They thought it was cool that I´m from New York…

Anyway, just thought I would share that tidbit before we leave for Argentina at the ass crack of dawn. (Actually, before the ass crack of dawn- 4:30 to be exact). I will post pictures of said market and a couple metal flyers I found on the streets when I get back to New York. GET IT, CHILE! HORNS UP!

-Julia