TOP 5 CELEBRITIES THAT SHOULD BE METALHEADS

Ever meet someone new and think to yourself “God, this person is so awesome/chill/hot, but… if only they were into metal. Then they’d be perfect!”? I know that this happens to me quite a bit, especially when I meet you dudes. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve met great guys- tall, bearded, mysterious… and then they say “I’m really into trance!” and the fire dies faster than Herman Li can shred.

It’s not that I only like people that love metal as much as I do, but more so that some people would be so much BETTER if they did. Amongst the day to day regular people that fall into this category, the rich and famous are no exception, and so I present to you my Top 5 celebs that would be so much better if they just gave Slayer a chance:

5. Former Miss California USA Carrie Prejean- Most people hate her because of what she said at the Miss USA pageant earlier this year. I say, she’s already got the balls to say whatever the eff she wants without worrying about offending people and that’s pretty metal. Like many metal bands, she’s from California, and like Elise and I, she’s blonde. I bet you that if she had a little more Judas Priest in her life, she might get over not liking the gays while becoming more brutal at the same time.

4. Late infomercial master Billy Mays- …what, too soon? This one is plain and simple. The dude already knows knew how to yell, and uh… He’s Billy Mays, the infomercial guy. He did cocAAAine…

3. Supermodel/TV host Heidi Klum- Another blonde, so she could roll with RiB. Plus, she’s German so she could get along with all the European metal bands and be BFFs with Rammstein and Angela Gossow. AND to give her some street cred so to speak, she quasi-recently got some ink (seen above) which is brutal two-fold because A) It’s on her forearm for everyone to see and B) She’s a supermodel with a tattoo, which goes against what commercial modeling stands for. What a rebel. Get it, Heidi. And come on now, how long until she challenges her Project Runway contestants to make an outfit using only “special leathaaaaah”

2. Game show host and Rhodes Scholar Alex Trebek- Jeopardy! is one of my FAVE shows, and if you’ve been watching as well, you’ll know that Alex Trebek isn’t just a smartypants, but lately he’s been pretty sharp with the tongue as well. He makes fun of contestants just about as much as MetalSucks makes fun of… well, everyone. Does hurting people’s feelings make someone metal? Well, no, but a wise woman (and coincidentally my blog partner) once told me “You just need to realize that you’re better than everyone else. It’ll change your life.” Well, Alex knows he better than everyone else, thus not caring what other people think, thus making him more apt to be metal.

1. Talk show host/Author/Comedienne Chelsea Handler- Homegirl is on the path to metal destruction, but the only thing she’s missing is, uh… the metal. Why she isn’t a headbanger is beyond me. Like our buddy Alex, she’s not afraid to make fun of anyone, friend or foe. She can drink you under the table. She’ll love you and leave you. She’s a half-Jew from New Jersey, and she has her own Mexican little person sidekick. Metalheads LOVE cynicism, booze, sex, dirt (yes, I’m talking to you NJ) and midgets

And midgets love metal.

-Julia

TOP 5 INAPPROPRIATE WEDDING SONGS

I’m going to a wedding tomorrow, and at first I pondered the idea of doing a list of my own preferred wedding songs.  But since I’m not one of those wackjob bitches who pick out baby names when they don’t even have a boyfriend, I decided against it.  Let’s face it, besides a few classics, metal is really not suited for the first day of marital bliss.  Your parents are there, grandma is there, children are there, everyone is wearing something dry-clean only…it just doesn’t work.  Here are some of the most un-lovey-dovey jams that I definitely won’t be hearing tomorrow:

5. Lamb of God - “Set to Fail”

Like ya mutha said: “They’ll be divorced in a year!”

4. Pig Destroyer - “Boy Constrictor”

I now pronounce you husband and wife.  You may now cut his lips off and see the lacerations grin.

3. Andrew W.K. - “Ready to Die”

It’s all downhill from here, chump.

2. Converge - “Concubine”

Uh oh, I think someone’s hookin’ up in the bathroom…..

1. Limp Bizkit - “Nookie”

Love you too, honey.

-Elise

TOP 5 REASONS YOU SHOULD GO TO SATYRICON’S HEADLINING NORTH AMERICAN FALL TOUR

Julia kinda beat me to the punch on this Satyricon biznass this morning.  I gotta say, I am as excited as she is, but for slightly different reasons.  (The RiB gals don’t always see eye-to-eye.)  I know a lot of people aren’t into Satyricon, but I enjoy them as the fun, poppy-er side of black metal.  Here’s why I think you should come party with us this ROCKtober:

5. Chthonic

Truth be told, I’ve barely listened to them, but since I know it’s mostly dudes reading this site, I might as well get this out of the way:

Yup…

Read More

TOP 5 SONGS I WOULD PROBABLY USE AS MY STRIPPER SONG, NOT THAT I THINK ABOUT THAT SORT OF THING….

I began writing descriptions for each of these and later decided to omit them to prevent myself from sounding like a complete whore.  Anyway, here it goes…

5. Motorhead - “Killed By Death”

4. Gojira - “Ocean Planet”

3. Alice in Chains - “Angry Chair”

2. Faith No More - “Last Cup of Sorrow”

1. Tomahawk - “101 North”

SORRY, MOM :)

-Elise

TOP 5 CHICK METAL BANDS I JUST CAN’T GET INTO

It’s been brought to my attention that I’m getting a reputation for being that “metal chick” who’s into chick metal bands. Well, I say enough is enough! Damnit, I don’t just like any band with a vagina (or two), in fact there are plenty that I can’t stand. Thus, here are the ones that made the cut for NOT making the cut. In my book anyway:

5. Otep- Ok, I realize I may lose some points on this one, but here’s the thing. Yeah, vocally she’s pretty good, and the dudes in the band aren’t bad either. BUT,  I HATE politics (either side of the spectrum) in entertainment. I can stomach subtlety, but every single effing song is about how much she hates Dubya, and whether you hate him or love him it gets OLD. Now that he’s gone, I wonder what she’ll write about.

4. Halestorm- Just… ehhhh. Am I missing something about them? Just to me they just seem like one step up from Paramore. If I’m missing something here, let me know? Eh, fuck it, I don’t care that much.

3. Made Out of Babies- With a name like Julie Christmas, how can I not like you? I don’t know- but I don’t, sorry. I have a lot of their music (thanks, college radio!) and I’ve given it a fair chance. The Ruiner was so well-reviewed, but I just can’t figure out why. Wacky time signatures is one thing, but to me this is just wacky.

2. Luminis- Oh, I couldn’t resist. You didn’t think I’d leave out our favorite tone-deaf NJ Euro femme metal cover band, did you?

1. Leaves’ Eyes- How can a band so similar to Nightwish, be so painfully awfully different at the same time? If you took Nightwish (the Tarja years) a collector’s set of Magic cards, some Harry Potter books, and one of Cristina Scabbia’s old kimonos and put em together- KAZAAM! You’d get Leaves Eyes’. The nerdiest of nerd metal there is. This is one time being a blonde in metal gets you NOWHERE.

-Julia

TOP 5 METAL DRUMMERS

I’m no groupie, but I’ve always had a thing for the drummer. Just something about them; so nonchalant in demeanor, but yet so FEROCIOUS behind the pots and pans. And you know that muscular arms are right up their with a nice beard. So, I present to you, the top 5 metal drummers:

5. Pickles (Dethklok)- Big boozin’ and hard hittin’. Become real and let’s hang out.

4. Mercedes Lander (Kittie)- Hands down the best female drummer in metal, but more so, way worthy of being on the list. No click track needed. Ever.

3. Rick Allen (Def Leppard)- CHELLOOOOO, the dude has ONE ARM. Enough said,

2. Tomas Haake (Meshuggah)- Incredible, and renowned by drummers in ANY genre, not just metal.

1. Chris Adler (Lamb of God)- Obvious bias, but seriously. Listen to Wrath and try to tell me any different.

-Julia

TOP 5 MTV VJ’S

Top 5’s are fun.  This one was inspired by Julia’s last post…

5. Adam Curry

4. Ed Lover

3. Downtown Julie Brown

2. Kennedy

1. Matt Pinfield (very obvious bias)

-Elise